Adoring Levi

eleven

The thought of studying for my chemistry test never crossed my mind this weekend.

I completely forgot we even had it. My mind has been occupied by working and the image of Levi's sexy figure. My brain needs to be rid of everything to do with that man. I've convinced myself that this is only a slight attraction. I get like this with every man I think is hot; they're on my mind for the rest of the day, but I forget even seeing them the next day. With Levi it's more consistent since I live next to him, but it'll pass soon enough.

I refuse to ever let this become more than lust. I'm not allowing myself to get hurt by him, or to hurt him myself. He's too sweet to have to put up with all the issues that consume my everyday life. He would eventually leave me anyway after discovering how much of a lost cause I am, or after I accidentally take out my built up anger on him.

In the end, we would both get hurt.

My hands are gripping both sides of my chemistry text book so the wind doesn't blow the pages over, scanning the information I highlighted before I left the house. In France, I usually didn't study for class tests. My revision included skimming the pages of my copies and books the night before, or if I was even more confident about it, the five minutes before class started, knowing it would come back to me in the tests. That method still gave me scores above 95.

The problem today is that the most I've done is write flashcards, but instead of listening to music while doing it, I was rewatching The Vampire Diaries. My attention was definitely not on what I was scribbling down. It's also been a year since I've looked over this topic, so I'm not sure if I can rely on the knowledge naturally returning to my brain.

While looking over the black printed words, I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter if I don't do as well as I used to on this test, that's it's pointless anyway. Deep down, I know that if I score below a 95, even on a small useless test, it'll become another reason to hate myself.

Even after the incident earlier this year, once I was out of the hospital and ready to return to school, I still went right back to studying. I studied even harder than I had before, using it as an escape from the horrible reality of my life. However, the good marks didn't give me that confident feeling anymore. It didn't do much to help heal the inner child that needed validation from her parents like it used to, but I kept going anyway, knowing I would beat myself up over it regardless.

The need for academic validation doesn't seem like it'll ever leave me, and that scares the shit out of me.

A feeling of slight nausea slowly starts to bubble inside me, creeping up my body. Not only do I have the chemistry test, but I also have cheer tryouts. I looked up a few videos last night about cheerleading, and it's a bit more complex than I thought. Luckily, back when I wanted to be a gymnast more than a figure skater, I had taught myself how to do a few tricks, and some of them appeared in the video. I also took gymnastics for four years, so I could tumble a bit. My mind is still scolding me over choosing cheerleading over volleyball, and I can't even be mad about it.