Raiza's Burden

Chapter 40 Broken Being

Raiza noticed Gyan gasp as she paused to look at him. Her courage had failed her before. She had faltered but had pushed herself to tell him the worst part of her life. Hearing his gasp, she lost the courage she had built up. Raiza looked at Gyan hunched on the sofa of her living room. They had arrived home while she narrated every detail of her past life nonstop. Amrin, thankfully, has gone on a long weekend trip with her family. The house was empty except for Raiza and Gyan sorting her sordid past. She felt uncomfortable waiting for a sign from Gyan to continue.

"How long?" Gyan asked, breaking the silence between them. He was unable to look at Raiza. His emotions were overwhelming him. He heard her past, and his logical mind began to give in to his feelings. He knew he should not judge a situation based on one side of the story. But this was different. He couldn't be rational as far as Raiza was concerned.

"Huh," Raiza stared in confusion.

"How long were you with your ex-husband?" he rephrased.

"11 years by the time the divorce came through, I had moved out and was living with my friend," she replied.

"What made you divorce him? So far, I only see you keep returning to him." he admonished. His tone showed frustration.

Raiza hesitated. "Gyan, I think it is enough for today. Digest it, and if you still feel the same feelings for me after this, we can continue this conversation," she replied.

Gyan raised his head and stared into the eyes of a hesitant Raiza. He read worry and maybe even slight fear in them. "Are you worried I won't love you after knowing your past?" he questioned.

She shrugged and bowed her head. Gyan stood up and moved closer to her. "Raiza, look at me", he requested.

Raiza raised her head and stared at the overarching figure of Gyan, slightly bowing down. They looked into each other's eyes, trying to assess the emotions and unsaid thoughts. He caressed her jawline and got closer. Raiza moved slightly back onto her sofa, and that reaction paused Gyan. "I'm not going to hurt you. I will never hurt you." Gyan assured her and, moving away from her, sat down at her feet. He held her hand and kissed the palms.

"I'm not going to lie to you, Raiza. Your past is disturbing," Gyan stated.

Raiza flinched.

"But I'm in love with you, and your past is something I cannot change. I will accept it as it is," he assured her. "Your present can become our present if you are willing. Together, we can craft our future if you are willing. But for that to happen, you have to be willing and committed. What you felt for your ex-husband, I don't care, and I will do everything in my power to never bring it up again. But what you feel for and want from me is important," he paused.

Raiza looked at him, a little confused. "I'm not sure what you are trying to say, Gyan."

"Raiza, I won't promise you that your past will not make a difference because that will be a lie," Gyan stated. "I promise I will work with you to figure things out. I will work with you to build our relationship," he added.

The sun had begun to set, casting a warm glow that crept into the living room, soaking Raiza and Gyan. Gyan breath on her palm. His hold on her wrist created waves in her stomach that slowly covered her entire body like a warm embrace.

Raiza took a deep breath and freed her hands from Gyan. "It's difficult for me to talk about my past, Gyan. But I want you to know everything, the good and the bad." she clarified.

Gyan gently pulled her hands back in his hold, not letting her get away emotionally or physically. "I appreciate your honesty, Raiza. I want to know everything about you, no matter how difficult it may be. But I also want you to know I'm not a saint, and my jealousy gets triggered. Don't take my reactions the wrong way. Just be aware that I love you and am willing to work with you." he added.

Raiza looked into his eyes. "Siddharth made himself my everything, crept into my life and made me believe that life could be perfect, only to destroy that notion. He did that to me not once, not twice, but four times over and over. I lost sight of what I wanted and who I was."

"I can't imagine how difficult that must have been for you. It sounds like you went through a lot." Gyan stated. His fingers made soft circles on the back of her hands, calming her.

"Yes, I did. But it's not just about the pain. It's also about the lessons I learned. I realized the importance of setting boundaries, not letting someone else dictate my life for me," Raiza explained softly.

Gyan nodded. "It is important to have boundaries and make your own choices. But is it also important to think and plan as a team? Marriage is not about who dictates to whom or how much independence one has. A marriage is a unit, and both partners are equally involved and should be able to take respective roles and commit to them. And I promise you, Raiza, we will work together as a team, making decisions together, facing every obstacle together."

Raiza let out a nervous laugh. "Marriage!" she retrieved her hand. Raiza moved away from Gyan and put some distance between them. "Gyan, we don't know each other very well, and you are talking about marriage", she stated nervously.

Gyan narrowed his eyes. "I'm not saying we will get married tomorrow, but I do want our relationship to end up in a marriage. There has to be an end to a journey, don't you think?" he asked.

"I'm not in a state of mind to talk about marriage. I ... I don't know if I want to get stuck in another marriage after I managed to get myself out of the old one," Raiza declared.

Gyan could feel disappointment and anger taking birth at the bottom of his heart. He sighed, then walked to Raiza and stood facing her, closing the distance between them. "Do you have coffee?" he asked.

Raiza stared in shock and nodded, "Yes."