Raiza's Burden

Chapter 44 The sordid details

Siddharth used the best of his memory to express every situation and words spoken between him and Raiza. He told Mara all the sordid details of the relationship after the death of his child. He finally explained to her the choice he made to save Raiza's life when she was not in a state to make that choice. He didn't spare her any details of his actions and did not justify his actions.

Mara was aware of some of the details but what she heard at the moment shocked her. "Stop it Sid. That is enough" she declared.

"Mara I'm no saint. I know what I have done. I did not intend to do things that way." He sat down with his hand in his knees and shoulders hunched. "If you choose to leave me even now Mara. I will not stop you." He declared.

Mara watched him for a few moments and then sat next to him "Sid I'm not the kind of woman who believes in giving up. I'm also not your parent and I will not take responsibility for your self development. I will not accept your jealousy and possessive behavior if it is going to harm my mental health. I don't know the other side of the story but I trust you. Since you have not tried to excuse your behavior and I know that you have been working with a therapist to sort out your self I want to be with you and build a life with you. But I have one condition and only if you agree to that condition we will move forward. If you think even for a moment that you cannot stick to my condition lets rethink our decision" She paused for Sid to respond.

Siddharth had not expected Mara to give him a chance after hearing about his past. He was ready to do anything to make Mara happy and dream about building a new life with her. He looked into her eyes and asked "What is your condition Mara? "

"From this day on your past should never come in between us. This means No ex-wife, ex-lovers, or your old behavior should be part of our life in any form or shape" She declared.

"Don't you think that is going to be hard with Raiza being involved with your brother?" he asked.

Mara smiled "If someone is out of your mind their physical proximity will not matter. I need to know if Raiza is out of your mind. If she is not then I don't want to be in a marriage of 3" Mara declared looking straight at Siddharth.

Siddharth stayed quite for a few moments staring back.

"Well?" Mara asked.

"She doesn't have a place in my heart" he declared. "However I still keep remembering all that has happened in my life like I'm watching a recorded movie." He announced. "When I met you it had stopped and I was able to look forward in life. I was able to stop thinking of the past and move forward. My parents even appreciated the impact you have had on me. But since I have heard of Raiza my brain has started playing the movie again." He stated sincerely. "But you are right if we have to move forward I have to get over my past." Siddharth reached out for Mara's hand and held it "I promise you that I will get my past out of my mind and focus on us our future together, please give me time" he asked.

Mara nodded "I get it. But I don't want to force our wedding on you at this moment. I will postpone it for a few months until you have made your mind and we are able to confidently move forward. "

"Mara no" Exclaimed a shocked Siddharth.

"Sid I'm not breaking up with you. We will still have our relationship to carry forward. We will only move forward with a wedding when you are sure about your choice and decision. I'm not your security blanket Sid. I'm a human being and I have needs and wants just like you. If you think marrying me will help you forget Raiza then you are mistaken. I want to marry you to build our own world together not to help you pull a curtain over your past devastation."

"I understand that Mara and I want to build a life with you, not because I want to run away from my past. I have faced my past and for the last many years I have been dealing with my inner guilt and pain. I'm not going to crumble as soon as the past will come face to face." Siddharth declared.

"Are you sure Sid?" Mara asked again.

Siddhartha pulled Mara closer and nestled his nose in her neck. "I'm as sure as the oxygen that I'm breathing" he stated. "Don't cancel the wedding don't cancel any plans. I want to be married to you and I want to move forward with our life together. I'm ready" He announced.

Mara stood up and walked to the opposite side "Sid if you are rattled by Raiza's presence in my brother's life how will you continue a life with me if she ends up being his wife? I cannot ask my brother to give up his happiness for my sake. I wont make my family uncomfortable for my sake. I Love you Sid but you will have to be sure that you will be able to build a life with me without demanding or dictating my brother's choices." She announced.

Siddharth walked to Mara and hugged her. "I promise you right now that I will not ask for your brother or anyone else in your family to make compromises for me. As for Raiza, she is my past and my worry wasn't for her disturbing my decision. My worry was that she will become a reason for your hate." He explained. "No matter how well you know me Mara you will end up sympathizing with her because she is a woman and she will blame me for everything." He continued.

"What do you mean?" Mara asked.

"I have made mistakes Mara I will never deny that. I accepted that and I also went through therapy for my psychotic behavior. However Mara never owned her actions. She always saw her self as a victim even when she was not the victim. Her self image of a victim will never change. She will never stop blaming me and she will do everything in her power to destroy any relationship I may have. This is my fear and this is what was bothering me" he explained.

"If you think I can be swayed from my decision then you are wrong Sid. I'm not a child. I don't have anything against your ex-wife. I met her without knowing who she was. I liked her. But I also know that her mental state is delicate. I'm sure she is not going to interrupt in your life as long as you stay out of her life." Mara looked sternly at Siddharth.

"I promise you nothing matters to me except you. Raiza is my past and I will never even look at her." Siddharth made a vow to Mara.

Mara smiled and hugged Siddharth and they held each other for a long time.