Niall Horan Preferences

#12 He finds out you self-harm

A/N: Please don't read if this could be triggering to you. I have many other things that you could read. I'm serious. I also mean everything I write in this (ex Niall's big paragraph). I'd also like to say the one reason I included Ashton's deal is because I know he's been suspected of having this type of background (keyword suspected) so that's that. Also one last thing to be honest I just did this probably out out of having no ideas one day. I just decided to finish and publish it because it was basically already written (most of it) so yeah.

One night you and Niall were up late this wasn't unusual. One thing that you'd always do is ask each other questions while you cuddled. As the night went on the questions got more personal.

"Um I was um wondering" Niall paused "if the scars on your wrist are from what I think they're from?"

You pulled the sleeves of his long sleeve tee shirt down as far as it could go. "No um they were from my cat and roughhousing with my brothers and cousins" you said trying to hide your self-harm from him.

Niall turned you around so that you were facing him. "Babe why did you feel the need to lie?" he asked tucking your hair behind your ear. You went to ask him how he found out, but Niall was a step ahead of you "I came home early yesterday and saw you sleeping in my tank top without your bracelets on".

"I want to stop but I just don't know how to go about it. I mean I've been doing it for so long and I'm scared" you said as tears threatened to fall.

"I think" he said pausing for a moment, "that I can understand what you're going through". He brought you closer to him. He was now lying down and your head was resting on his chest.

"What?" you asked confused lifting your head to see his face. You knew that Niall didn't cut; after all he wore lots of short sleeved shirts and tank tops with only one or two small bracelets. The press would've caught on by now if he cut. Yes there were still places that he could've cut. However you never picked up on any suspicious behavior that might come from a self-harmer all which you know so well.

"Ok well maybe not understand um sympathies would be a better word. You know Ashton use to cut right?" he started trailing off.

You nodded your head you knew this since Niall frequently invited Five Seconds of Summer over to your flat. Overtime Ashton became comfortable and during the summer he had no problem with wearing a short sleeved shirt (or even no shirt) with only one or two bracelets on to cover his scars. I mean after all he was just hanging out with his friends. Everyone saw the scars, but they just let it be since the scars were old and faded rather than new angry red lines.

"Well let's just say that he went through a bit of a rough spot during the Take Me Home Tour and I was ugh I was there at the right moment" Niall said not wanting to give away too much personal information that Ashton confided in him away.

"What did you do?" you asked.

"Um I basically told him I'd always be there when he needed me and that he could share anything with me. A few times when we had our final stop for the night he'd come onto our bus and spend the night in my bunk. He'd come in my bunk and I'd hold him, let him cry and talk about his problems" Niall said. You sat in silence until Niall continued "I think that therapy would be a good place to start" you nodded your head in agreement. He continued "and you know that you can come and talk to me whenever time difference or not and when I'm on tour I'm going to make sure that someone comes over and checks you and makes sure you're staying clean. I'm sure Ash will help you with this if you need to talk to someone who has um been through the same thing."

"This is a start" you said offering the slightest smile, "I like it".

"Good" he said with his shiniest smile, "um now I hate to do this now but ugh can you get me all of your um tools?"

You nodded and went to get all of your "tools". You went through your shared bathroom and through the house. You even went in your car and purse to rid yourself of any temptations. When you came back with a considerable pile of tools Niall's eyes began to water up finally showing sadness. He had tried to keep a neutral reaction to all of this. He had talked to Ashton earlier that day about how to approach this. Ashton said that his somewhat neutral reaction to everything helped Ashton share everything with him.

However to him it was different this time. Niall cared for Ashton, even loved him now after about two years of friendship. However with you it was different you and Niall shared a different type of love. It hurt him so much more knowing that the only person he desired and loved in that way could bring themselves physically and mentally scaring themselves. It hurt him so much; when he saw the tools he couldn't hold back his tears anymore.

"I'm sorry" you said crying looking at the pile on your bed. You thought you disappointed him.

"No no don't be" Niall said wiping his eyes and wrapping you up in a hug.

After a few minutes you broke away from the hug. "What are we going to do with these?" you asked.

"Burn them" Niall said as he walked to the bathroom to get a washrag to carry the "tool" to his fire pit. That night you and Niall took turns tossing all of the tools in the fire. You both decided to stay outside away from the world for a little while. Once you went back into the bed room you started talking seriously again.

"Hey I don't want you to feel bad about this. I know that you do and nothing I say can change that, but it's okay yeah? I know that this road won't be easy I'll admit this right now. I know it's going to be difficult for the both of us, but I also know that we both love each other and that we can make it through yeah? I'm not expecting you to just magically not cut anymore. I mean not that I don't wish that was the case, because more than anything I wish it was the case. However I know that relapse is inevitable and highly likely considering the fact that you've been doing this for years. However I know that you want help, and that you want to stop. That's all that matter well that, and that you try finding different ways to cope with the urge yeah?"

I nodded as Niall took a pause.

He sighed and began reluctantly "Um I kind of well told Ashton that you might be having some trouble with this. It was totally wrong of me, and I'm sorry. I can totally understand if you're mad at me. I'm not making an excuse, but there is some context behind it okay. I called him to ask him the best way to approach you about this, and what I had done right or wrong when I helped him. Ugh anyways he said if you are going through these things that he's only a call or a text away."

"I understand" I said, "but this doesn't mean I'm not a little mad about you telling him this, but I definitely understand your logic."

Niall nodded "we'll get through this okay?" offering his pinky to me.

"Okay" I said wrapping my pinky around his.

In the end everything turned out good. I was able to overcome my self-harm problems as well as other issues. It wasn't always easy, but with Niall and others by my side it was a whole lot more manageable.