We Can't Go Back

Don't You Say It

Lizzie hears that the boys are coming back today and she is always nervous with anticipation. She usually locks herself in the labs until they got back and today was no different. She likes to keep busy so she doesn't think too much about it.

She used to wait for them at the door but she knows that they like to get fixed up before she sees them so she usually waits for them to find her.

Peggy usually waits with her but she has been missing almost the whole day. The one moment she had with her, Peggy could hardly look at her. She didn't know if she did something to offend Peggy but she'll have to ask later.

She is looking through the microscope trying to once again figure out what the hell is happening with her cells when there's a knock at the door. She's so excited to see her brother that she immediately pulls him in to her arms. He holds her tight but even without their connection, she knows something is off with him.

"Lizzie-"

Steve pulls back and she knows something is wrong.

"Are you okay? Where's Jaime? Is he hurt?" She asks in quick succession.

"I'm sorry, Gracie," he says mournfully.

"How bad is he hurt?" She asks as she pulls away from him.

He doesn't have to say the words, she can read it on his face. She doesn't want the words to ever come out though because then she can pretend it's not real.

"Don't you say it," she says as she backs away from him.

"Liz... he... he didn't... I tried to save him but he didn't make it," he says.

He went on to explain the situation but her brain is reeling and it takes her a long time to process what is going on. It feels like she's been under water for minutes long. Her brain function is failing due to lack of oxygen and water is filling her lungs. She has nothing to cling to. Steve seems to realize that she's not hearing his words and stops his speech. They both stand in silence, while Lizzie fights to clear her head. Eventually her brain clears up enough to ask the question that Steve had prayed she wouldn't ask until they were in their nineties.

"My husband is dead?" She asks.

His eyes are tearing up but he refuses to cry in the moment. He needs to be there for her and he needs to shelf what he's feeling.

"Yeah, Liz," he says.

"Jaime's dead?"

He can see the realization finally reach her followed immediately by her crumbling. He catches her before she can hit the ground but she's lost her ability to stand so he lowers them both to the ground and cradles her against his chest.

Her mournful cries and screams will haunt him until his dying days. This is the first time that he's glad that the connection is gone because he knows that feeling the pain combined with his own would be debilitating. It's bad enough even without having a psychic link with her.

He sees Peggy enter the room over Lizzie's shoulder and she raises an eyebrow. He knows she's asking if she can do anything or if she can help some how. He wishes there was something she could do. He wishes that she could take the reins and guide them through this horrible thing but there's nothing she can do.

She already talked to him in that bombed out bar when he tried to get all his mourning out before talking to Lizzie. It didn't work. He still felt broken and he imagined that both the twins would feel that hole that Bucky left for the rest of their lives.

Peggy leaves and he thinks he sees a glimpse of Howard before the door shuts but he doesn't care enough to analyze that.

Eventually, Lizzie must cry all her tears because she falls silent. He wonders if she fell asleep until she looks up at him.