𝗖𝝝𝗟𝗗 𝗦𝗣𝗜𝗡𝗘

𝗙𝝝𝗨𝗥

The soft sound of raindrops mix with my excruciatingly loud and repetitive phone alarm. Three days have passed since the night at the club. And I've done everything since then to suppress the constant reminder of my last encounter from that night. Catching my brain wander to replay the short unexpected memory we would come to share when nobody was around to interfere.

"Like what you did?" The reddened patch below his jaw showed evidence of my short bite. A cigarette in between his long fingers and a lighter trapped by the others.

He smokes?

"Don't know what you're talking about," I roll my eyes, turning to walk towards where he was standing. Or what he was blocking. The back door.

Left hand now deep inside his pocket, tall frame intentionally blocking my way. "So avoidant." Slowly inching closer to lure me into the tiny backyard corner. 

"I believe we need to have a little talk, no?"

An audible huff slips off my lips in response, my bare back growing tense when leaning against the concrete wall.

"I believe you're wrong." I laugh a terribly painful laugh. My smile ungenuine.

Yet his chuckle, manages to outdo both . "You owe me an apology." Approaching steps way too close to my liking when they finally halt, thankfully still leaving more than enough space in between our bodies.

"I don't owe you shit."

A lighter spark the only backlash I received in return. The smell of tobacco now swirling in the air. I watch,as he put the cigarette on the pad of his lip. I watch, when he inhales deeply as soon as the tip lights. And I watch until I don't anymore, because he blows the excess straight towards into face. And my eyes fall shut.

Rage.

"Keep the smoke inside your filthy mouth," My shoulder bumps trough his in a time measurement too small to mention. 

Suddenly I feel real eager to make my way back inside the club to say my goodbyes. Would've been too good for him to keep his fucking mouth shut.

"Keep yours in place."

Shivers run down my spline alongside the piercing tone, the backless dress practically a painted target on my body.

My teeth grit together when a loathed whisper leaves without my awareness. "Shouldn't be too hard."

"We'll see about that, Lavine."

My hand reaches towards the nightstand to press the orange snooze button. A thick paperback book nearly falling onto the floor due to my placement of it eight hours ago. Getting lost in stories seems to be my only way out. The further away from real life, the deeper my attachment to the written characters and their fake world. 

What I would give to sink into a reality where I feel so at ease the way I felt whenever I read along the lines of a simple book. That very moment right then, when you reach the part where everything seems to fall into place for the protagonist, something I haven't felt in such a long time it seems to have become unfamiliar.

But we all know that holding onto something we desire so deeply is not going to ease the goodbye that follows. Can't go back to dreamland after you wake up. Can't rewrite the story once it's written.

Cold water hits my sore skin, quickly vanishing the morning daze I tried to hold onto so badly. No matter how often I force myself to take cold showers, I never seem to get rid of the pain that washes trough me when the freezing little droplets hit my skin.

Sweet almond sent filled up the rain shower as I shampooed my brown hair. And I can only hope that soon enough, the cold water won't feel so cold anymore.

__________

"About time you get some fresh air Viv. Did you once leave your apartment after we've come back?" Carmen's eyebrows furrow together with genuine concern.

I did go to the grocery store to buy some fruits....I think? My eyebrows must have been the ones tilting upward now.

"You can't be serious," a disappointed look covers me in more shame than I can carry, small head tilt following along.

"I literally have to be at the airport in seven hours. You think going out will help me pack my suitcase?"

The half drunken, brown liquid swirls around Carmen's coffee cup. "Please tell me you ate." Her sentence cut off by a ring all too familiar. Followed by a name I'm faced with all to frequently.

Ramona (Boss)

I'm sorry. The only words that Carmen seems to be hearing from me whenever we go out, or don't.

"Yes," I answer the call, standing up to walk away from my only good close friendship I managed to maintain over the course of my life.

I find a wall around the corner to lean against.

"I'll have to get straight into business."

Great. What happened to Hello? How are you?

"You know how both our drivers have that interview with one of our media girls scheduled for later today? Well here's the problem, she's unavailable and we don't have backup or anyone else that's currently in Azerbaijan to take over. So, we where thinking you."

She and whoever, were not thinking straight then. "I'm not in Baku until 12 hours, I land eight pm Ramona."

"Slight change in plans. Your flight leaves in one and a half hours, I already send you the info and check in stuff. You don't have any questions now, do you?"

Silence takes over before I process her latest words, but my bosses voice hardly ever wastes time, cutting of the quiet without leaving a spare second for even a short question.

"Great! Have a safe flight Vivian, I have to hang up. Ask Andy if you need something." Nothing but the sound of heavy water droplets hitting the streets, followed by cars speeding trough puddles.

London weather. Weather that was slowly starting to feel like a stranger and no longer like a consistent reminder of how great you look wrapped up in stylish coats. 

Unfamiliar like the place I come home to for once every other week. Once every other week like the only ever time I would catch up with Carmen. Like the only ever time I would come back to something, only to find it gone the next moment. Disappearing like every consistent thing I'd ever come to have throughout my entire existence.

For 23 years I never had something that was always there. But I was fine, more at terms with the chaotic outlay of my life than anything else.

Honestly, I was alright. Noting ever is consistent in life. I know it's not supposed to be. Nothing ever has been.

Nothing ever, but my friendship with Carmen. And slowly I was stating to doubt how long that would last.

Before it slipped away too.