ALL OF THE GIRLS YOU LOVED BEFORE | fushiguro tōji

1 | the reeling

FIRST POINT OF VIEW.

i knew it clearly. the evidence was right in front of me. yet it seemed like my eyes was deceiving me all along. that it was merely just a facade of a sick and twisted scenario that my mind had made up.

there's no way. he wouldn't do this.

but it was right there for me to see on a silver platter. i saw it coming but my heart didn't want to come terms to it.

my boyfriend of five long years was right in front of me, his hands burning and lingering on another woman who looked no older than me. the sense of anguish and hurt ripped out of my heart.

what went wrong?

his smirk that never faded from his face as the woman inched closer to him in public. the moonlight made every minute action visible.

i felt as though an arrow had just pierced through my heart and made an excruciating twist in it. the pain was unbearable. my bottom lips quivered, tears were practically begging to fall out.

they met in a passionate kiss, his hands roamed around her body that was snugged into a tight fitting black dress. her long, slim legs exposed due to the low cut.

this isn't real.

but i knew it was. he was cheating on me.

naoya zenin was cheating on me.

and i decided to turn a blind eye.

i turned my head away, the tears had finally spilt. trailing down my cheeks, my nose was pink.

it hurts.

i covered my mouth with the palm of my hand to stop a sob from resounding. i didn't want him to know that i was here.

my eyesight was blurred due to the uncontrollable tears that fell continuously. it was horrendous. i could hear my heartbeat thumping loudly against my chest mixed with his voice, calling the women derogatory terms.

i was right down outside his estate to see him making out with an unknown girl.

fuck, this hurts.

gripping onto the clothing right above my chest, everything came crashing down onto me. everything had made sense. i saw it coming yet i decided to ignore them whole.

his calls that were never picked up. his long absence. his desire to visit me only to touch.

why me?

unintentionally, i had kicked a rock that was on the pavement. the sound ricocheting in the silent neighbourhood.

did they hear it?

"is that you, y/n?"
a voice from behind was heard. i gulped. my hands reaching to my eyes, desperately trying to wipe those tears away.

how can you sound so unbothered?

"oh my, it really is y/n!"
naoya's voice held no remorse whatsoever. in fact, it was cheery, like he had been wanting me to be there to see him in action.

how are you so unfazed?

just then, a car had pulled over. the shutting of the doors was heard together with naoya saying his goodbyes to the woman. i had decided to walk at a faster pace down the road back to my apartment. but his voice had stopped me.

"this is a perfect timing since you saw it."
his voice was loud enough just for me to hear. steps trailing behind me, getting louder each second.

soon enough, he was right in front of me. his hair was dishevelled, the smirk on his face never seemed to leave. he smelt like a perfume, the woman's perfume. her scent lingering on his clothes. cherry red lipstick smudged at the edge of his lips that was a constant proof that what i saw was indeed real.

"let's break up."
naoya says in a nonchalant manner. i sucked in a shaky breath.

aren't you angry at him? be angry. shout at him. yell at him.

i merely looked away, avoiding any sorts of eye contact.

i can't.

"hmm?~ i expected you to be angry me. oh well, i guess you're too much of a pussy to be."
his words were followed by a deep laughter. his words cuts keeper than a knife, carving itself on my heart, bleeding me dry.

"c'mon, say something? there must be a reason why you came here? was it to see me?"
naoya teased in an unbothered tone. i didn't answer him.

"giving me the silent treatment? well i expected this much but you should have known right? i mean it's either you're just stupid or blind. or even both—"
his words stopped when his deep laughter rang in my ears.

"w...why?"
my voice was shaky. you're a goddamn 28 year old. why are you letting this affect you so much? the voice in me was getting louder.

i trusted him.

"har? you're a boring woman. did you just realise that? you're nothing without your body. bland personality with absolutely nothing to offer. it's no wonder your parents disowned you."

i couldn't stop the dam from breaking. tears fell from my eyes as each words struck my heart.

"well it is to be expected i guess... tell me y/n did you really think you can amuse me? that will be the joke of the year if you think you did!"

it hurts so much.

i let out a shaky breath. naoya seemed unfazed. he was making fun out of my sorrow.

"i guess you were good in bed but you're usually so jittery about it. that is absolutely a turn off if you must know. gosh and you calling me at ungodly hours because of some stupid nightmares? how old are you? twelve? please."

embarrassing. ahh this is the worst.

seeing my reaction to his words, utter silence, naoya had left me on the street and had entered back into the zenin estate.

yell at him. shout at him. my inner voice scolded me but i couldn't do anything.

light rain pattered onto the ground. the small water droplets fell together with my tears. it fall onto my head, making my hair damp. the water clinging onto my clothes. i squatted down, finally letting the sobs out. my tears mixed with the rain, falling onto the ground. i couldn't tell which was which.

it hurts.

it hurts so much.