ALL OF THE GIRLS YOU LOVED BEFORE | fushiguro tōji

16 | the conclusion

the weather was utterly perfect for the park. a cool breeze constantly blowing by. the sun peeking through the mass of clouds. there wasn't a need for an umbrella. soft patches of leaves covered the sidewalk. the atmosphere was just right. 

megumi tugged both adults' hands as he was sandwiched between them. y/n on his left while toji was on his right. excitement bubbled in him as he practically skipped his way to the park. there were little people in the park-- an elderly couple strolling, a group of teenage girls, a mother and son at the swings and a man walking his poodle dog. 

"can i go play at the swings?" 
megumi asked innocently. there was an extra swing at the playgroup that wasn't occupied. it had been an extremely long time since toji had brought megumi to the park. he used to bring out shiro and kuro to the park for walks but recently, the man had gotten busier with work. the little man was excited and that was just a tiny understatement. 

toji nodded a reply. with that megumi waddled his way to the empty swing. his small figure trying his best to move and swing himself. his legs couldn't reach the ground so it was extra difficult for him to get the motion. 

not giving up, megumi tried another time but cutely failed. 

with a pout, he got off the swing and glared daggers at it. the boy then proceeded to run towards y/n and toji. tugging on both of them, megumi pointed at the swing in defeat. 

"help." 
megumi's eyebrows were scrunched up. toji let out a low laugh as he squatted down to megumi's level. 

"what? are you too small for it?" 
the ravenette looked away in denial and huffed out a no. a gentle smile grace y/n's lips as she ushered megumi back to the swing before any other child got to it. toji stayed at the spot, looking over the too. 

gripping the rope tightly, megumi braced himself as y/n placed the palm of her hand on his back, giving a light push. it was a light one for megumi to gain momentum. as megumi swung higher and higher, the more excited he became. 

"mama!! higher!!" 

the smile grew on y/n's face as megumi's voice registered in her head. with one final push, megumi let out a string of laughter. his little laughs filling the park. it was pure innocence. y/n went in front and stood a good distance from the swing to take a picture of megumi. the adorable smile on his face was utterly unforgettable. 

toji gulped at the scene. it was complete. in a sense, the missing puzzle for megumi had always been motherly love. it was different from the form of love he would subtly express to megumi. if he had been the one pushing megumi on the swing, he would have pushed it once, hard, and called it a day. 

it was different and new. the whole scene was now memorised by toji-- like a film in the movie scenes. it etched into his mind carelessly. 5 measly months had passed since toji had met y/n. 5 beautiful months of y/n dedicating her time and love for the children in the daycare. 

part of her still yearned to write and publish books. she wanted to see her books in the newspapers and in bookstores. yet another part of her enjoyed what she was currently doing. 

in these 5 months, toji was utterly clueless about his brewing feelings. even with megumi being attached to y/n by the hip did not help toji understand his emotions. the boy was practically magnetised with y/n. the endless nights to the clubs had strangely came to a halt. the feeling of wanting to bond with megumi grew within. 

toji could only ask himself, why? 

fushiguro toji knows that he was in love only once. 

that was with the birth mother of megumi. she was the kindest soul that he had ever met in his life. yet when she passed away, toji found himself stuck in a constant nightmare. thrown into fatherhood alone, unable to understand why megumi was wailing his heart out at unknown times. clueless was a great word to describe him with care towards children. he acted tough on the exterior, denying help from his friend-- shui kong. deep down, he knew that he was in deep shit. 

toji knew that it was love. he had never cared for a person so deeply and intimately before. when it was just him and his lover, toji stopped work and changed the scope of his work. he found the wanting to live and not just being alive. everything was cut short like everything else in his life. 

countless sleepless nights to take care of megumi when he was an infant. toji knew that he couldn't blame a damn child for his misfortune. megumi was just a child for goodness sake-- so toji came terms to with the wreckage in his life. 

no one supported him through that. in fact, the zenin family seemed ecstatic with the fact that toji was suffering. they had already been cursing him from the start, awaiting his downfall. they even once offered to buy megumi into their household-- to take away the last anchor in his life. 

he wasn't lonely. no, he was alone. toji depended on himself. he only had himself.

shortly after the death of his wife, toji fell back into addiction. gambling and clubs were his musts when night fell. debt shortly followed behind his back due to his awful luck. he changed his job again, back to being a hitman since it paid well.   

and with that, he had forgotten the feeling of love again. 

l/n y/n had thought that she was in love on multiple occasions. 

the first form of love that she thought she experienced was parental love. since childhood, her parents had set her the goal of becoming a doctor. it was a tradition that needed to be passed down without fail. she thought that the constant comparison of grades to her siblings was normal. she thought that it was alright to force herself to have sleepless nights just to study. 

her parents geared and steered her in that direction as a form of their so-called love. 

even when y/n just couldn't seem to understand science and math, her parents never gave up on that ambition placed on her. 

y/n thought that her parents truly loved her. and that they would support her decision to be a writer instead of becoming a doctor. funny how a mere career choice ended up becoming that fuel to an explosion in the household. 

with that, y/n came to a conclusion that the love was fake. the second time she thought that she had experienced love was with her first boyfriend. 

she was hypnotised by the false promises and fake oaths. fallen into a deep trap that lasted a year of distrust and heartbreak. it was funny how y/n was so gullible to believe her ex that forever was real when it was a disguise in sheep's clothing. 

the last time she thought that she was in love was with zenin naoya. oh how blind she was to think that. their relationship started off perfect. yet it ended with a tune that she was familiar with-- regret and hurt.  

and with that, she had avoided the feeling of love again. 

"mamaaa higher!!!" 
megumi shouted out with a burst of laughter following as y/n pushed megumi's back on the swing. he stared at the view. the sun setting in the background. soft peaks of white blending with the blue in the sky. orange peeking through and accompanied by a gust of wind. h/c coloured hair swayed in that direction. the contagious smile of his child and his eye corners lifting up. 

y/n's figure behind megumi as she too had a radiant smile on her face. toji sucked the bottom of his lips inwards. his mind came up with questions that had no answers. confusion and doubt settled in him. 

just when did i start feeling so comfortable with y/n around us? when did i allow her into my life? 

oh. 

i see. 

am i in love?