Love is gonna get you killed

I wish it had lasted forever

It was the best night of my whole life. The night that you died. You can not imagine how relieved I felt after that long,bloody,destructive night.

A tall, handsome , mysterious, puzzling inexplicable human phenomenon, gave me the desire of wanting more and more. I wish I knew what was coming for me.

In 2006, I was living my best life, a life without stress, without daily routine and basically without any obstacles surrounding me. I was living with the thought that my mum loved me like nothing else in this world and that she would make sure to have everything I need in this life. I really miss that version of hers. As for my dad, I don't know much about him. I had never really met him actually.

My mum didn't like relationships. A relationship of hers never lasted over one night. She was doing "it" with every single man that would walk past her. That's how I was born and forced to live in this world. Sometimes I wonder,<<Did anyone ask me if I want to be here?>>. The answer is no. But I didn't have any other choice, did I? At least that's what I thought, until today. So basically, my dad was one of the men that my mum fucked one night on the street. Wow, lucky me. Sometimes, I don't really understand why she would want to take care of me, protect me and give everything she had, just to make sure I'd be happy. Was she pretending the whole time? Because, she didn't seem like the perfect house wife with all the needed responsibilities. I felt like I couldn't trust her sometimes. Maybe she was hiding something that I wouldn't be able to find, or at least that's what she thought. Trust me though, if there's anything, even the tiniest little detail I could find out there, I will find it very very soon, if I haven't already.

When I was younger I sometimes thought of suicide. I didn't really understand the reason of living. It didn't make any sense at all. I know that suicide is a big and deep word, but I couldn't help but think of it. After a few minutes, I was coming to my senses and forgetting about all these stupid thoughts. I've never talked to my mum about that stuff because she would have wanted to lock me up in a mental institution or something. Even if she wants now, unfortunately for her, she can't. Instead of that, I had a better idea. When my mum died, I decided to follow a psychological therapy.

At first I was really ashamed to confess my fucking problems to her. After a long time I got used to it. She was really patient and helpful, that's why I managed to get through this. I'm totally going to regret this after, but I have to say that I feel a little bit relieved after my mum's death. I'm not saying that I wanted her to die, I just think that a huge amount of stress and fear came out of me. I wasn't afraid of her, I actually was afraid of me. I was afraid because I couldn't control myself when me and her were having arguments and fights. I was afraid of what I was probably capable for. That's why I felt more relaxed when she died.

Our fights weren't normal. We were fighting for every single detail. My mum was yelling at me with no mercy and I was getting even angrier. That's why I was afraid of doing something stupid that I was going to regret afterwards. I literally couldn't control myself around her, neither my anger. I always thought what would happened if I hit her. What would happened if my mind went crazy and started to do unusual things? 

However, one part of me, misses her a lot, because even though she wasn't the best mum, she was my mum after all. I wish all the happy emotional, sensitive, great moments I spent with her, had lasted forever.