Love is gonna get you killed

Chaos

Panic attacks were very normal for me. I was used to them . My first one started when me and my mum had a huge fight. I think I was about ten. Then the fights were multiplying and I knew that I couldn't live with this woman around. That's when I realized that she never really cared for me. She was actually pretending the whole time just to show everyone the amazing mother that she was trying to be . When I cried, she was telling me to shut up. She never asked if I had any problems that I wanted to discuss. Basically she was never a mother to me. That annoyed me a lot but I pretended that everything was just fine. I was going to school looking pretty happy and pleased for having a great loving family, when I had never really met my father at all. I was really jealous by seeing other kids with their families spending time together and having fun. I never had that.

I was coming home from school today. Suddenly I saw a bunch of people gathered all in a big circle on the street. In the middle there was a little kid, about four or five and he was unconscious. I was shocked. I went closer and he was in a pretty bad condition. His mother was panicking and they tried the CPR technique to bring his senses back. I noticed that she was alone with another baby. I don't know about their father. People called the ambulance and were trying to help however they could. Five minutes later the ambulance arrived. Everyone was running so fast to transfer the kid into the ambulance so they could go to the hospital after. People were yelling, shouting, praying. I was out there standing shocked. I was so sad and this ruined my day completely. I was so worried about his mother too. I felt so sorry for her and I wish I could have done something to help her. I could have babysitted her baby so she can follow her son to the to hospital. It all happened so fast. I prayed many times for this kid. An hour later, they informed us that the kid was in stable condition and that he was transported to another city. I prayed again.

When I got home I did absolutely nothing. I sat on the couch, opened the TV and stared at it for a couple of hours. Suddenly I started to think about life again. Many things were crossing my head and I couldn't stop analyzing every detail of them. My therapist always used to tell me not to do that and try to forget all those things for a while. Well I couldn't do that, today. I was completely panicking about everything. She says whenever I have a problem or anything I want to discuss, the best solution is to call her any time. She was really supportive. She was the best actually. I was about to call her because I thought that I was having a panic attack but I couldn't even get up from the couch. I was so stressed and I didn't know what's going on. I'm sure that the accident before had shaken me a lot too. So I called her. We talked for two hours analyzing every thought and every detail we could find. After that session I felt more relaxed.

She always helps me get over things. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say that but I think that she could have been a better mother than mine. I know this sounds cruel but that's how I feel. I mean, she is everything a daughter could ask for. She often reminds me of the mother I never had. It's best to know that when my mother wasn't there, she was and she was trying to help me every time. We have a pretty good relationship and chemistry with eachother and that is something strange in a good way for me. I think it's because I've never felt that way before so that makes sense. As far as I remember, whenever I asked her about her family, she would immediately change the subject and never respond. I don't really know why she would do that. I mean yeah people can have secrets but what kind of a secret she would keep from me? She was basically my best friend, apart from Hannah of course. Hannah was and always will be my bestest friend of all. She is so supportive and always by my side when I need her.

To sum up, my therapist Carla and Hannah were practically my everything. When my mom didn't really give a shit, they did. There were here every time so I can have a shoulder to cry on, or confess my problems, or show my happiness or anything. Basically they were the ones that took me out of this chaos that I was living in. So I owe them so much and I appreciate everything they did and still doing for me. I'm so grateful for having them in my life.