I can't do it.
I can't do everything.
I can't help her, I can't comfort her, I can't fix all of her pain, I can't fix all of her trauma.
I can't do anything now.
She won't tell me how anything works, she won't help me help her, she won't explain a thing, she won't communicate at all, she WON'T do anything.
She'll just shut down.
She'll just be delusional.
Then she'll deny it. Or she'll go on the 'IM SUCH A BAD MOM!' tangent again.
The sad part is, guilt tripping works. I wish it didn't, but it does for some FVCKING reason.
Ha, even when I tell her I love her still she says "I hope so." Every. Goddamn. Time.
I'm honestly sure if I'm allowed to do anything at this point.
I can't disagree, I can't think differently, I can't step out of line, I can't go anywhere and talk to anyone yet I'm expected to, I can't be interested this or that, I can't tell her she's wrong without her crying, I can't be mad at her, I can't be attached to her yet my mom still says she 'misses' me because I TRIED to become my own person.
I can't even try communicate with her, because then I'm attacking her, I'm pressuring her, I'm forcing her to open up, I just need to leave her the fuck alone because apparently I hate her now.
But I can't even hate her. Because if I did, it would simply break her heart. She'd probably die! She told me herself, because it'd be a crime to just exist without her.
Apparently she loves me more than anything in this entire world yet she won't try for a goddamn second just to UNDERSTAND my point of view.
Should I try anymore? Should I even try to help? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to this, since she didn't tell me what the hell is even GOING ON!
"Don't leave me."
"You have no idea how much I love you."
"Don't ever stop loving me."
"Do you want to abandon me?"
"You don't love me anymore."
"You used to be so nice."
"Don't be mean to me."
"I CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU."
Is it normal? To be this obsessive with your kid?! I don't like this, I'm not comfortable anymore, I want to go home, please just stop, LEAVE ME ALONE I JUST WANT TO CALM DOWN WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME-
She refused to understand me. I tell her I love her every single time but I'm only tired of telling her if she's not going to believe me.
I tried and I failed. And I'm going to try again and fail again.
And again and again. Why must this be a cycle? Why can't I do everything? I just want her to happy, I still love her, I tell her that everyday, WHY CAN'T SHE JUST FUCKING BELIEVE ME FOR ONCE?!
Or maybe she's right. Maybe I hate her. I'm just being defensive again, right? Right?
She'd probably have a meltdown if I told her anything she doesn't like, so I'm not allowed to be honest either! I can't even come out to her. She won't kick me out though, I know that she'd miss me too much.
She'll just be...really sad though, probably. She'll take it the wrong way. She'll say I'm not being faithful anymore and I'm straying away from God or whatever....I don't want to upset her.
My mom also talks about....my body a lot for some reason. It makes me really uncomfortable. She's overweight now due to age and stuff while I'm still a scrawny lil thing. I'm not even that fit, yet she's just so weird about it.
She'll say stuff like "Oh, you're really skinny," and "I used to be skinny like you..."
Please just stop. I'm uncomfortable. I don't like that, I hate it when she says stuff like that, stop talking about my body it's mine not yours. Please stop.
But maybe it's just....her ptsd! That's it, that's why she acts like this, it's not her! It's not her fault!
It's all my fault. I know that already. I'm defensive. I'm not grateful. I should just shut up, I'm getting annoying at the point. Im being mean. I'm lying. I'm pressuring her, I'm a terrible kid. Wow I'm just like my fucking father, aren't I?
Seriously, is ptsd an excuse? Does her depression and anxiety give her a free pass? I mean I have anxiety but I'm not trying to attack her and make her life a living hell, so what the fvck does that mean?
I'll never be able to tell her any of this either.
Because then she'll cry.
She'll breakdown.
I'm practically abandoning her.
I used to be so nice.
So then I keep quiet and the cycle repeats again and again.
I'm just going to wait for things to get better. For her to try to change, for her to actually listen to me.
I don't know for how long that'll be, but I know it won't be anytime soon.
