(THE SONG AT THE TOP IS SUCH A COMFORT SONG THOOOOO AAAAA I LOVE IT)
(Also yes im posting this late dw but sHHHH DON'T TALK ABOUT IT AGAHAKS-)
My school hasn't started yet because it's weird but it will start in three days by the time I'm writing this and I'm just...scared.
I'm completely unprepared, I mostly likely missed some stupid summer assignment or something and I'm going to fail, now apparently because of it, with my mom reminding me all the time.
And I'm not prepared socially ever. I'm glad I'll be able to see all my friends again but I know it will probably be terrible.
In a weird way, school's both a safe haven for me and a living hell.
I love it because it's nothing like home. It's chaotic, lively, anything could happen and it's not all terrible :D And I actually have friends there, regardless of my overwhelming anxiety.
The good thing about private school is that I know everyone there. I'm not nervous to talk to my classmates because I've known most of them for a significant amount of time. And I oddly like that we're kinda all stuck there but we're all together at least, then we try to survive till graduation.
I know some of my classmates won't care since I'm not even friends with a lot of them, there's a nice familiarity with them though which is nice.
Even with the classmates who hate me and the classmates I myself hate, I like to appreciate those people are still there and that I met them. I learned from them and they taught me how to not be a crappy human being.
I miss familiarity. I haven't had any in while. Everything's been changing and mostly for the worst, especially people. People change a lot and I don't think I really know how to handle that yet.
School can be escapism in that way, because I don't have to worry about everyone leaving me and how we're all going to die in the end, instead I get to worry about homework and bad teachers. You also get to goof off with friends who actually care about you. You're not consistently on edge and don't have this never ending dread something even worse could happen and it will.
It's not the best but it's so much better, therefore I appreciate it in that way.
But look, don't get the wrong idea. I definitely do not completely love school, I hate it as well at the same time.
I'm just a hopeful but delusional idiot.
Because people still judge you there. When you're being watched by everyone, it's overwhelming. "Oh you said that in the wrong tone, she probably hates you now." "Your voice is probably annoying, stop talking." "Why did you say that in front of the whole class? You're an embarrassing idiot."
Wow, I rlly hate my thoughts.
I'm literally the definition of self conscious. Like ngl, if the universe gave a reward to the most self conscious person in the world THEY'D GIVE IT TOO ME BRO....but then I would be contemplating wether or not I'm supposed to grab the reward from, ofc, the universe as they gave a long speech about how much of a dumbass I am, then I try get it and change my mind like seven times before just awkwardly smiling at the cameras-
Also for some reason I have more anxiety talking to teachers???? Probably because I'm really bad at asking for help.
Especially since I know they don't really care about me, I mean- legally they do, like if I die at the school they probably would get arrested or some sh!t I dunno.
There's probably not much past that though, it's not like they're getting paid enough to care in the first place so just SHUT THE FVCK UP and stop talking :)
It doesn't help when some are just deliberately rude and are illogical in their decisions, it's not like I'm going to say anything though I'm to scared to even ask to go to the bathroom-
I also subconsciously think they're over analyzing me and are overly sensitive like my mother, the smallest wrong thing like if I look at them the wrong way I'll get in trouble. Maybe it's just because they're adults or that I'm a relatively nervous person around people.
Speaking of my nervousness, I'm even a mess when I'm talking to my friends. I consistently overanalyze things, I take things the wrong way or take things too far, and it's so hard to even talk to them.
Yet, they're my fvcking FRIENDS of all people. Why do I always have to second guess myself? Why can't I just relax?
(This also applies to online too which sucks ass, like sometime it takes an hour for me to respond to someone because I'm wondering if I'm using proper grammar or not and if I am completely misinterpreting what people say.
Just wanna to say sorry if you noticed this behavior, that's probably why I don't respond quickly sometimes or even RESPOND at all. Thanks to a lot of cool people tho, I've been working on getting rid of this habit. Ty tho guys for being awesome, you all helped a lot <3 Okay, back to the venting now I'll stop being weird now-)
I hon3stly don't know where I'm going with this, I'm really tired now and I didn't sleep last night which is epicccccc
Overall I'm trying to be hopeful in the most logical way for me possible, the world's probably gonna kill me just to prove me wrong but at least I tried
I'll end it here since this is already like- 900 SOMETHING WORDS LONG ALREADY WAIT HOLY PANCAKES OKAY BYEEEE, Ari out
