Survivor - Jerrie Fanfiction ✅

Chapter 33 - If only they knew who I really am

Chapter 33 - If only they knew who I really am

TW - mention of abuses

Perrie pov

I run as fast as I can while avoiding the photographers outside the flat and all the people staring at me on the street.

I can't help but remember the day Jade left me as the scene seems to repeat itself in the exact same way.

I keep running away from Jade, Lesy and the shame I feel right now.

The fact that they saw those videos only makes me feel dirty.

I feel disgusting and I dare not imagine what they thought of me.

They shouldn't have seen them

I know how I looked, Alex used to show them to me when he was angry just to humiliate and torture me some more, as if what he had done until just before wasn't enough.

I knew that those videos would be used as evidence, one way or another, but I had done my best not to think about when it would really happen.

I tried to focus on my recovery and my relationship with Jade to think as little as possible about how the fucking trial would unfold.

The shame is tearing me apart, I want to run endlessly until I find a place where no one knows me, I don't even dare to imagine what will happen if Jade sees them, she will be so deeply disgusted with me that she won't even be able to look me in the fucking face.

I try not to think about how I could have done things differently in the past because every doubt comes to the conclusion that I was wrong.

If I had decided to talk to Jade about it right away, Alex would never have made it this far, all this shit would never have happened.

I promised myself I'd never think that again, I've been working with Cheryl for a long time to put that thought out of my mind but I can't help but convince myself....

It was my fault

All the things Alex said to me over those months spill over into my mind, I can hear his voice as he insults me and tells me that I deserved it, that if I had been better none of this would have happened.

He is right

I try again to shut his voice, his insults and humiliation out of my head but my brain doesn't seem to want to cooperate, all it does is make me remember again and again.

I keep running and realise that I have no idea where I am or how long I have been running.

I have no phone or wallet with me, I don't know how to get back. That is, if I want to.

Do I want to?

How can I go back and face Lesy after what they've seen, or Jade after what they've told her?

Maybe I should just move on and leave all this behind, no matter if my heart breaks for the umpteenth time, I should just find a new place, in another country, change my name and live a normal life and let everyone forget about Perrie Edwards and her miserable life.

How could I have thought for one second that I could be okay?

How could I have thought that I could have moved on?

How could I have thought, even for a second, that Jade and I would have our happy ending?

There is no such thing as a happy ending, this is life and not a fucking Disney movie.