Love of Our Lives

Chapter 44 - The Hurtful Past Part 5

At this instance, I really don't know what to feel anymore. I felt numbed all over me. I just feel like dying. This is how bad the whole situation was. I wanted to find a wall and just bang my head against it so that I will not feel the pain piercing through my god damn heart. I am breathing faster and faster with all the blood gushing up to my brain. I felt as though I am fainting. I just wanna find a knife and stab myself with it as though the pain still wasn't enough for me. Not long after, we went back into Jody's house and into her room.

She told me that Matthew had told her everything. She feels shocked and angry for me as well. She was scolding Matthew earlier. I went behind her room curtain to hide myself. I don't wished to see Matthew at that point of time. I was burying my face and looking down in between my thighs. Matthew was facing me and shaking me, asking for forgiveness. I was ignoring him and he was just there crying. I though I should be the one crying instead!! What bullshit is this? I thought to myself. I was feeling so damn angry because I had warned Matthew before about Adele as the first impression that she gave me the last time wasn't good. She was behaving so rudely! Since when did they even become friends, meet up and all? I felt cheated. I felt like a silly person right now. I don't know what to think now that my mind is blank! What should I do...?

The next morning I got ready for school. Don on my school uniform and ready to head to school when Matthew called me crying, begging me to go back his house with him and accompany him so he could explain the whole situation to his mom. He even come to my house and we sat down at the staircase and I was so frustrated that I told him to help me buy cigarettes. Yes, I used to smoke back then but was a social smoker. Guessed somehow my heart had softened, I agreed to accompany him to go back to his house. I saw that he was still in yesterday's clothes. I guessed he never went back home at all. He had stayed outside for the whole night.

I called up my class advisor and told him that I have something personal urgent stuffs that I need to settle so I won't be going to classes today. My class advisor was such a nice person and he agreed to it. I was really so grateful to my class advisor. So we reached Matthew's house and yeah, I was still in my school uniform, I didn't change out. I can't let my mum know that I didn't go to school because of this incident. So Matthew told his mum the situation and he got another round of scolding from his mom. I could hear his mom asking "How could you do this to Connie?" Matthew of went all silent. Bet he couldn't even answer his mom's question. His mom was so furious that she doesn't even want to talk to Matthew further.

Next I have to deal with Adele's biological mom. She called Matthew up to scold him and even wanted to speak with me on the phone. I was already feeling damn fucking pissed when her biological mom told me that all these happened because I couldn't satisfy Matthew and his desires, my body wasn't good, etc. I can't take it anymore and I scolded vulgarities all the way. How could she even said such things to me? Who is the victim right now? Is it me or her fucking daughter? I thought to myself angrily. Why do I have to deal with all these shit coming? I thought all these is only happening in dramas, so why is this happening to me right now? WHY? WHY? WHY???? Just tell me fucking WHY already...And I broke down again...

It was a long day for me, I felt damn fucking exhausted!! I went back home, still not able to sleep. So many thoughts running through my head. What if Matthew is going to marry Adele because she is now pregnant with his child? Then what about me? What will happen to me? Do I give them my blessings or what? ARGH!! Probably about few days later, I got to know that Adele is going for abortion and will want Matthew to bear the cost of it. I also heard them talking about Adele stripping herself in front of the webcam for Matthew to see, etc and how many times they met up to do the deed. Heard that they have done it for 3 times! WHAT THE FUCK?!! So they had met up with each other behind my back for 3 times already!

They even said that she seems to be dating a few guys at the same time besides dating Matthew so the child cannot be confirmed if it was really Matthew's. Adele did really went for abortion and wasn't in school for a period of time. I forgave Matthew for what he had done and he promised that it will not happen again. His classmates were saying that I was too stupid to forgive him and why do I even forgive Matthew for it? I told them that to me, everyone makes mistakes. So I decided to just forgive Matthew and give him another chance. But little did I know that this was actually a huge mistake...

After this incident and forgiving Matthew, I became very paranoid myself. I would often call Matthew every 10 to 15 minutes to check on him, asking him about his whereabouts if we were planning to meet on the day after our school. I even called his friends to ask about Matthew too, to see if he was lying to me and all. This became a torture for me and I doubt if my decision to forgive him was right. One day, I was waiting for him to end school as usual and I was calling him every 10 to 15 minutes again. When he arrived at our meeting place, he flared up and we argued. He told me that the reason why that incident had happened is because of me! I was being paranoid, possessive and all. I was like WHAT??!! I begged your pardon!! It was in my head but I didn't say it out to him. I just felt damn sad and disappointed that he said that to me. I wasn't even being possessive or paranoid before that incident happened so how could he said all that to me? I thought to myself feeling hurt.

Our relationship was full of paranoids ever since that incident had happened. But we were still together though. It was only until this day when I was at Jody's house making mooncakes for Mooncake festival and I wanted to pass some to Matthew the mooncakes that I have made for him. I called him up and ask if we could meet so that I can pass him the mooncakes. The next thing I heard him saying was that he was helping Raymond to wait for his female friend at her house because Raymond wasn't free to do so. And he have asked Matthew for help. Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head telling me to just break up with him. Enough is enough. I don't believe he is just simply helping Raymond to wait for his female friend to shower finish. This is ultimate bullshit. Even if this is true, I also couldn't care much anymore. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!