When I Look Into Your Eyes (An AU Heartstopper Story)

23 - you're telling me what's going on

"Yes Nellie, we're going inside love, just a second," Sarah said lovingly while she fumbled around in her pockets, looking for her house key. It was 8:17 and she had just taken Nellie for a walk.

The walk had been shorter than usual. Nellie was acting a bit weird and kept trying to walk back home. Sarah didn't really know why the border collie was acting like this. She normally loved long walks. But she'd decided to listen to the dog, turn around and walk back home.

"There we go Nells," she said as she opened the door. They both stepped inside and Nellie waited for Sarah to remove her leash.

The dog would usually run towards the kitchen to eat her breakfast, but today she sat down in front of the staircase and looked up at the top of the stairs. Sarah put her coat on the hook, looked behind her, and noticed that Nellie was still sitting in the hallway.

"Oh Nellie, what's up?" She asked while she walked up to the border collie. She looked up in the direction that Nellie was looking and saw her son standing at the top of the stairs. "Jesus, Nick. What are you doing here? I thought you'd stay at Charlie's,"

Nick didn't respond. His eyes were dull and still a bit red from the tears that he'd shed, his hair fell flat down his face and he looked really pale.

"Okay, you're coming downstairs now. I'm going to make us some tea and then you're telling me what's going on," Sarah said firmly.

Nick sighed and started walking down the stairs. He really didn't want to talk about this right now, or ever really. Why couldn't people just let him be sad and miserable? That would be way easier than to have to talk about it.

-

"Here you go honey," Sarah said as she gave Nick his mug. "Go sit down on the couch. I'll be there in a second."

After they both sat down, Nick started sipping on his tea. It was still way too hot to drink, but he'd honestly rather burn his tongue than talk to his mum right now.

"So tell me, what's going on?"

"I don't know," Nick responded, his voice hoarse and quiet.

"Oh c'mon Nicky!"

"I don't know. That's the problem," Nick said a bit agitated. "I don't fucking know anything and I feel so fucking lost."

Sarah placed her hand on Nick's knee, slightly stroking his knee with her thumb.

Nick's voice broke. "I don't know what I'm passionate about. I don't know what I want to do after this. I don't know what I want from life. Heck, I don't even know if I even want this life." Nick broke down crying.

Sarah placed her mug on the table and wrapped her arms around her son.

"I've just been feeling so alone. I'm the biggest failure ever. I just don't want you to be disappointed in me," Nick sobbed.

"Oh, baby." Sarah put her hands on both sides of Nick's head and brushed his hair away from his face. She looked him directly in the eyes. "You're not a failure. And I'd never be disappointed in you. I'm so so proud of you and of the person you've become, Nicky."

Sarah wiped some tears off Nick's face and put her hands down.

"Look, life is hard. And it will throw all kinds of challenges at you. You're only 21 years old. Knowing exactly what you want to do with life or what you're passionate about is a lot to ask from a 21-year-old. And it's okay, to not know, and to be a little lost. I mean, you still have your whole life to figure things out. There is no time limit. I know it's difficult, but please don't be so hard on yourself, Nicky. You don't deserve that."

Sarah opened her arms. "Come here. I love you, baby."

"Love you," Nick whispered whilst he leaned into his mum's embrace and started sobbing quietly.