Wonderland

❅H40❅ Resentment

Chapter Forty

Heather's POV

Resentment

7 Days

"Isabelle?" I asked, hesitantly, when she got back from hanging out with a group of friends. She was hanging up her jacket and purse.

"Yeah?" she said, turning her head around and smiling at me.

I smiled back at her, shyly. "Do you want to hang out tomorrow? Or maybe Monday evening?"

Isabelle's eyes lit up at my proposition. "Really? Where? Let's go tomorrow!"

"Um, anywhere. I realized I haven't been the most fun roommate/friend/whatever recently."

"What the hell are you talking about, Heather? You are the greatest roommate ever. And friend. You're my best girl friend, and you better know that."

I laughed. "Exaggeration much?"

Isabelle scowled. "No. I always tell the truth, Heath. You wanna go to Southcenter Mall tomorrow? I can borrow my friend's car. Just you and me-girl's night out. Sound good?"

"Yes," I agreed. "I'm up for it. Definitely."

"Great." Isabelle came over to me and hugged me. "You have no idea how joyful I am at hearing you ask me. I've wanted to go somewhere with you for a while, but you keep turning me down."

"Sorry," I apologized.

"No, don't apologize. I'm excited for tomorrow."

"Good." I pulled back from her and smiled. "I can't wait," I said, genuinely.

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Sunday morning, I decided to, for the first time in weeks, go out and get something to eat. The area where I had gotten surgery done was healing appropriately, but I kind of stopped taking my antibiotics because it's not like I'll be here long enough to see the results. I thought long and hard about my decision to go. I tried to come up with reasons to stay, but I couldn't find any. I just utterly gave up. I know I'm a coward for doing so, but I feel like it's only right of me. There was no point in me staying, and I'd only be unhappy if I did stay.

There's this quote Helen Fisher, from TED Talk, once said: "A world without love is a deadly place."

I can believe that. Without love, the world can be dark and insidious. There was nothing to live for. What's the point in being successful when you can't share it with someone? What's the point in carrying on with your life when you can't come back to someone who'll welcome you with loving arms? All my life, I've been on my own. I'm tired of giving love and not receiving any back.

Maybe if I just got one call from him, one call to tell me how much he loved me as his daughter, then maybe I wouldn't be in this position right now. I would stay, because I know there is someone waiting for me to come back home.

But no one is waiting for me. No one ever does. These are nothing more but hopeless longing. I am like the error in the code of my dad's life. His code was running smoothly up until the point I happened. As someone who's written tons of computer programs before, I can attest to the fact that no one wants errors in their code; errors are something someone would want to get rid of.

What I don't understand, though, is why my dad never gave me up for adoption when he had the chance. If my mom did just come to him one day and dropped me off in the front of his doorstep, and he wasn't ready for a kid at the age of twenty, then he should've just given me up. I think I would've been in a much better place than I would be now. Some kindhearted family would've adopted me, and I would've been living a nice and fulfilling life right now filled with love and happiness. Maybe I'd have a sibling who'd genuinely want to be around me. Joe and Joanna rarely converse with me. They leave me out of everything, and I guess I can understand with our age gaps and the fact that I'm only half-related to them...

Hatred flowed through me, suddenly, as I thought of my dad. I couldn't help but think about how much I hated him. I hate you for keeping me, for never giving me up when you had the chance. I hate you for never returning the love I needed, and I hate how mean you are to me. I'm sure you'll be partying once I'm gone. A huge load will be taken off your shoulders. You'll be happier than ever.

I should write him a letter before I go, make him feel miserable about all he's ever done to me. Make him live in repentance for the rest of his life. Screw sending him a gift. Screw telling him I love him.

I pulled out my phone and went into my note-taking app. I scratched out number nine and replaced it with 'write letter to dad.'

Once Isabelle and Brayden are busy with finals, that's when I'll leave. I can't have anyone finding me. I'll go somewhere no one knows, and I found just the place:

Leavenworth.

It's a German-themed village in Washington, and from the pictures I've seen online, the place looked beautiful. I've always wanted to visit Germany, and I think a mock German village would be just the place to visit before I go...

And then I'll be nothing more than a memory, my only proof of existence to be letters engraved onto a shiny piece of rock. Will my dad even come visit me?

I bit down on my bottom lip to prevent myself from crying. I knew the answer to that, but I didn't want to think it just yet. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.