Wonderland

❅H50❅ If I Die Young

Chapter Fifty
Heather's POV
If I Die Young

Dear daddy,

There is an infinite amount of ways I can express my feelings for you. They range from love and joy to hatred and disgust. Let's just put it frank:

I hate you.

I hate how you treat me. I hate how you never gave me the love I needed. I tried so hard you know. So hard to make you see me as something more than a mistake you made when you were young. I get you never wanted me. I understand completely, because honestly, I don't even want myself. But I wish you'd have done something about it rather than keeping me—I'm a living being, too, you know. I have wants and needs. You should've given me up for adoption when you had the chance. Because maybe then... Maybe then I would've gotten the love I deserved from a family who wanted me for real. Maybe then, I would've been given a real chance at life. I could've seen all that life had to offer me, but I never did, because you never loved me, and you taught me to hate me.

I still don't know what wrong I've ever done—maybe it was for existing—but I guess I must've done something really bad. Was it because I deterred you away from your dream of becoming a lawyer? If so, I'm extremely sorry. I'm sorry you slept with mom without thinking of its repercussions. I'm sorry you had a one-night-stand with a stranger at some random party, but kids will be kids, right? Did you and mom ever get together after that? Was I the cause of your and mom's breakup? I don't even know her, but I've heard stories about her. I've heard about how beautiful she was, how kind, and how much of a nature enthusiast she was... But I've never met her before, and I wish you'd have given me at least some more information about her.

Do you know how much it sucks to wake up every day knowing that you weren't even supposed to exist in the first place? To know that you have no mom or dad who loves you unconditionally, like they're supposed to?

Of course not, because you're just a shallow bastard with no remorse for anything you do! I hate you, and I'll keep hating you! I hate what you've turned me into. I hate it. If I could, I'd have chosen to never be born, but I can't because life doesn't work that way. I can't choose whether or not I want to live, it's a gift given only to a few, but I hate it with a passion. I hate life. I loathe it.

IhateitIhateitIhateyouIloveyou, I'm sorry...

I'm sorry.

I can't ever hate you. How can I? You are the man who taught me how to walk, how to talk, how to study hard for a brighter future... You are the man who gave me life, and no matter how much you hate me, you still gave me a roof over my head.

Remember that one time we were at the mall? I was seven. You were probably twenty-seven. We passed by the Disney store, and you saw me eyeing this beautiful yellow dress on display. It was the dress Belle wore in the Disney movie, Beauty and the Beast, only a more casual version of it. Do you remember how obsessed with the movie I was back then? Grandma had given it to me as a Christmas gift, and I couldn't stop watching it. I dreamed of being Belle. I loved how compassionate, beautiful, intelligent, and loving she was. I loved how she never judged people by their looks, but rather by the content of their character. I wish you'd have judged me more by my character, but that's just hopeless wishing.

You took me into the store, and immediately, I ran over to the Beauty and the Beast section. You pretended not to notice the way I was running my hands lovingly over the dress. When I asked if you could get it for me, you said we had to go. I started crying. I started crying really hard because I wanted that yellow dress. I wanted to be like Belle. I wanted to be compassionate, beautiful, intelligent, and loving, too. I knew in my heart that you would never buy me the dress, but I felt like trying, just to see if you'd cave in...

And you did.

You bought me the dress. Words cannot describe how happy I was that day. I felt as if I were floating. I couldn't help but wonder that maybe in your heart, you did love me.

Did you love me? Do you still love me? You started treating me so horribly ever since that Father's Day incident when I was eight. I never knew why. I don't think running off into the woods to pick flowers for you would've caused so much hatred... If I had known, I wouldn't have done it.

I'm sorry.

I fear you, you know. I fear the words you hurl at me every time we talk. You may not see them, but your words have carved scars into me—deep scars that have altered the way I view myself, and scars that have altered the way I view life. I think a part of the reason why I never made any friends in my lifetime was because I had a fear of losing them. I've lost so many things already... I couldn't bear to lose anymore. If I were still here, I would have told you that there is no such thing as forever. Nothing lasts forever: not love, not friendships, not even humans...

Anyway, you don't need to worry about me anymore. I'm in a better place now. Hopefully, I've taken the burden off your shoulders. You don't have to buy a coffin or hold a memorial service for me; I want none of that. Just cremate me and release my ashes where the stars shine down at night, okay? Some place in the countryside where I can finally rest in peace and happiness. I want to be able to stargaze forever. I love the stars. They're so mesmerizing. You'll do that for me, won't you?

I love you, daddy, and I wish nothing but the best for you, Kathy, Joe, and Joanna... Tell them I love them, too, okay? If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's to forgive and let go. I didn't write this letter to spite you; I wrote it to tell you that I forgive you. Life is too short to hold grudges. I hope that in your heart, you can forgive me, too.

Love,

Heather