Wonderland

❅H57❅ Salvation

Chapter Fifty-Seven

Heather's POV

Salvation

Dear Brayden,

I hope you know in your heart that the thing I regret the most is leaving you without saying goodbye. It hurts to think that I'll never be able to see you again in this world, to snuggle with you under my bed covers, to study together, to explore the universe together, to hear your soothing voice droning on and on about the most useless things ever...

But two years with you is enough for me. Thank you, Brayden. For everything. For loving me just as I am, for making me laugh, for making me happy, for making me smile, for being there for me...

I can understand why I fell so hard for you. I love everything about you. I love how kind, funny, sarcastic, and nerdy you are. I love how messy your hair is. I know you don't brush your hair like ever because of how lazy you are, but I like how you look nonetheless. I can stare into your eyes all day. They're spellbinding. I get lost in them. I feel warm and fuzzy all over when our eyes meet, and when you touch me...

I feel like I'm in another dimension.

I can't believe you'd ever fall for someone like me. I always thought you'd go for the blondes. I know Bridget's blonde, and so is Berkeley... Blondes are so beautiful. I wish I were blonde. I wish I had beautiful blue eyes. I wish I were skinnier. I wish I looked like one of those Victoria Secret's model, but I don't.

But I do feel like one when I'm with you.

When I'm with you, I forget about everything. When I'm with you, I'm happy for once in my life. When I'm with you, I can see my future.

You've matured in so many ways, it's hard to believe that you used to be that one kid who annoyed the crap out of everyone. I remember the first day I met you; you were this cocky bastard who thought he ruled everything. I couldn't stand you. Remember that day you sat next to me in physics? That day we first met?

I know I barely acknowledged you that day, but that was only because your presence intimidated me. I've almost never sat with anyone during class before. I've always been that one student to sit and work alone in the back. I was terrified of meeting new people. I was terrified of meeting you.

But then you introduced yourself, and stuck your hand out to me in greeting. And that was when I knew I was overthinking things, that you weren't as bad as I thought you were—and I was right. The more I hung out with you, the more I realized how wrong it was of me to have judged you based solely on how you presented yourself in front of others. There was more to you than what met the eye.

You're the complete opposite of me. I wish I were more like you. You dive into things headfirst without thinking about its consequences. You're unafraid to pursue your dreams. You're tenacious. Keeping doing that. You'll get far in life. I'm certain of it.

You're really pretty, too, if I can even use that word to describe guys. But yeah. You're pretty. Handsome, even. You could become a model if you wanted to, too. Gosh, I even sound awkward in letters! Ugh. I totally understand if you don't want to continue reading this. In fact, you can stop right now.

But I have a feeling you won't, just because you're nosy and curious. One of the other things I like about you. Your future girlfriend will be so lucky. Actually, anyone to earn your love will be lucky. I know I'm lucky.

I wasn't lying that day when I told you I loved you. I meant what I said. I do love you. I think I love you more than my dad, more than my stepsiblings, more than my stepmom...more than anyone. Because you were truly the only person who got me, who loved me back, who was there for me. Your love is something I will keep in my heart forever, and getting to experience it with you is something I will never forget.

Before I end this letter, I want to talk to you about something that I know you'll hate talking about, but I feel like I should talk to you about anyway. It's about your mom. I know you're cringing right now. If not cringing, then you're probably rolling your eyes. Please don't be mad at me.

I grew up without a mother, Brayden. And if I could wish for one thing in this world, it'd be to know who my mother was, to have a relationship with her. To have her see me grow up. To have her read bedtime stories to me and kiss me on the cheek before I fall asleep. To have her cook for me when I'm too tired to do so. To have her in every part of my life.

But that never happened to me.

I don't know who she is. I've only ever heard stories of her. I don't know what she looks like, I don't know what her favorite things are, I don't know her hobbies... I don't know anything about her. My father never told me who she was. He's only ever told me she gave me up, and to know that my very own mother did that—that she didn't want me—hurts.

Sometimes, it pisses me off to hear you talk shit about your mother, Brayden. You have something not everyone has. You have a mother who loves you unconditionally, who supports you no matter what, and you don't see that. You take it all for granted. I saw how hurt your mother was that day when I went to your sister's ballet with you. You probably didn't notice it, because that's just the way it is with you when you're furious, but I did. I saw the way her lips trembled and her eyes glistened when you called her all those nasty names. I could tell she tried her best not to show it, but when the ballet was over and we got out of our seats, I saw your mother hurry out of the auditorium with a Kleenex balled in her hand. She was crying.

I know you're upset over everything that has happened to you and your family because of her, but don't you think that maybe it's time to move on? To forgive her and start on a clean slate? No matter what happens, that's your mother we're talking about. She's the one who gave you life. She's the one who brought you up and gave you a family. Be thankful she didn't abandon you when she could have. Be thankful she didn't abort you when she could have. Be thankful you grew up loved.

I know I can't force you into making amends with your mother, but please consider it. I don't want you to regret anything. If you are okay with cutting ties with your mother for the rest of your life, then do so, but if not, act before it's too late.

I love you, Brayden, and I wish you nothing but the best. Take good care of yourself, and I hope that with time, you can move on. You will move on. I hope you can find a girl who'll not only love you, but love herself, too. It kills me to think about you with someone else, but it also makes me happy to see you happy: to picture you years from now with a family of your own, with a job you've always dreamed of having, with a wife you're just crazy about.

I hope you find happiness, Brayden, and love. I hope you also realize that you were my salvation in this world, so please don't feel guilty about my departure. It's not your fault; it's my fault. I just wasn't strong enough to fight off all my demons.

Maybe we'll see each other again in another world. It's a possibility that I'm definitely not going to rule out. Life's full of little surprises. You'll be surprised at what awaits you.

Love,

Heather

PS

Don't think I forgot about your birthday. December 18. I'm sorry I can't be there with you. Happy [early] 19th birthday. I know my gift is cheap, but I still hope you like it. It's been with me since I was ten. Take good care of it, will you?