Stone Fox Diary

Part 32: this again

Hey there. Me again. Its 0522 and for hours all I've been able to think about is how much I miss him. Its not him though. I miss having someone. Not being so alone in life and knowing someone was always there. I haven't really had that in such a long time though. Someone that's only mine. I'm not sure I really want that either though. someone that's only mine I mean. I don't want to belong to anyone and I don't want them to belong to me. I just want to be in the presence of someone else someone who fully and truly gets me. Someone that when I'm around them I feel as comfortable as I do when I'm alone. I'm tired of pretending to be someone else. tired of changing myself and hoping someone will love me. 

Even knowing all of that I still smile at every picture he sends that has a glimpse of his face in it. Its been months and I know we were doomed from the start but damn it would be nice to be in his arms again for a little while. 

I miss her smell. I miss the softness of her hair and the way her laugh used to bring a smile to my face. Our coffee dates. Fantasizing about the future we would share. Napping together. Man there was this one time I threw a party and I got soooo fucked up but one thing I remember clearly was her coming in to the room and us falling asleep together in my bed. I remember the way she smelled. I couldn't describe it if I tried but it was even more intoxicating than the alcohol that night. 

No one ever tells you that some parts don't get easier. I know she wasn't right for me but she's still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Her smile is still the brightest her eyes are still the clearest blue. She still looks like the moon to me and its really hard to not fall in love every time i see her. I couldn't stand to not be in her life ever again so I will continue to break my own heart every time I see her. I think I'm ok with that. 

No one tells you that just because you know its bad for you doesn't mean that you wont forever miss the comfort his heartbeat brings. the one time I let my guard down enough to just lay and listen to it. no one tells you that even though you don't necessarily want to go back you still miss the feeling of his fingers on yours. The way he laughed a little every time you did something that seemed weird or new to him. The way he cried. The way you could be so vulnerable. 

I spend every night alone. Its not a bad thing its just a fact. I've had a lot of time to think about these things as at this point I no longer talk about it or post my sad sappy tweets. I don't hope for them anymore. I'm slowly falling out of love. No on tells you how hard it is to fall out of love with people you love so fully. zit leaves a stain. a scar. a mark that is unlike anything else. Falling out of love in a relationship happens, I've been through that before when you just drift and then one day suddenly you wake up and the love isn't enough anymore for whatever reason that may be. but damn its really hard when they leave and you're still in love. Its even harder when they're good people. 

being alone is hard. falling out of love is hard. life is fucking hard. 

well... that's my vent for the night. 

08/28/2023