Stone Fox Diary

Help

I don't even know where to begin. I can't tell if I'm manic or depressed. I sort of rapidly flip flop between the two which is new. I spent too much money the past few days. I have wanted to die. Every day. Even when I was happy.

Today I've held it together pretty much all day but I could feel the slide into a deeper depression. I'm hyper sensitive to everything everyone says and I just hurt. I'm so so sad.

My face actually burns from my tears. I have small chunks of skin coming from my belly button and probably another infection. It doesn't matter how well I clean it because I have hanging loose skin from losing 140 pounds. It sounds like a great accomplishment but some days I think I was happier before. When the world put less pressure on me.

I hate everything about how I feel. How am I supposed to feel in this world. I don't know and the unknown gnaws at my soul. What if I feel the wrong way? Will I still be loved. Am I loved?

I feel so alone. I just want to be held by someone who understands and expects nothing in return. Someone who understands that I don't want to be fixed, just heard. I'd settle for just someone though.

October 7, 2020

It makes me sad to read these. I still feel like this sometimes. I want to scream at myself because this person Ive been looking for is me. I am the someone that can bring me comfort and pull me through the loneliness. Im supposed to do it. Its really hard to figure out how to do that especially when I hadent been alone for any significant period of time until recently. Ive onlybeen alone for about 9 months but I think thats the longest ive truly been alone in my entire adult life. To be real I think Im starting to like being alone. The silence makes it harder to ignore the feelings that I need to actually work through. 9/12/23