Watch Me Drown

11. Cry

(Abby's point of view)

Taylor hadn't even come on yet, and my arms were overflowing with bracelets.

"It's like lifting weights," I told Julien when MUNA's set was over. "I'm not going to be able to dance!"

"I'll grab you something." Julien replied. She kissed my forehead. "Be right back."

She walked away, and then a moment later I heard Katie Gavin's voice. I turned around and there was the trio; Katie, Naomi McPherson, and Josette Maskin, changed out of their show outfits, into more comfortable clothes. We had only met a handful of times, but I really enjoyed hanging out with them.

"Abby! Hi!" Naomi exclaimed when they saw me.

"Hi, guys!" I said as I hugged Naomi. "Oh my gosh, you were so good!"

We all hugged and immediately jumped into conversation. Julien came back shortly with our merch bag, greeting Katie, Jo, and Naomi, before saying that I can put all the bracelets in the bag. I had only bought the water bottle, already planning on putting the bracelets in there for a cute little display. I took most of the bracelets off, leaving my favorites and the light up band, while making conversation with everyone. There weren't a lot of other people in the tent. I don't even know how Julien got us in there. Safety precautions, I assumed.

For a while we, as in me, Julien, Jo, Naomi, and Katie, just caught up with each other and talked about other things. I barely noticed when "Applause" by Lady Gaga started playing. Soon after that, the crowd abruptly screamed, and we all looked toward the stage.

The countdown on the screen had finished.

***

"Is this really happening?" I turned to Julien after the first four songs.

She nodded, a giant grin on her face. I pulled her into my arms, and we stayed like that, slightly swaying, for the rest of the "Lover" era.

"I've seen so many people do this and I want to do it!" Jo exclaimed right before "Fearless" started.

"What are you-" Naomi tried to ask, but Jo cut them off.

"HEY, TAYLOR! PLAY 'FEARLESS'!!" Jo screamed.

We all laughed, and Jo smiled in satisfaction.

After that song Katie, Naomi, and Jo went to mingle, leaving me and Julien alone.

"How are you feeling?" Julien asked.

"I'm okay," I said, a little breathless from the laughter and dancing.

"Do you want to sit for the rest of this segment?" She gestured to the seats behind us, a little unsure with her word choice.

"Era." I corrected her with a smile. "And yeah."

So we sat for the next few songs. We stayed sitting for the first "evermore" song, which was "no body, no crime", but stood during "willow".

But then the opening chords of "marjorie" started.

"Wait." I said quietly. "I thought 'champagne problems' was next."

I had studied the setlist. Analyzed it. Memorized it. At least I thought I had. I knew "marjorie" played. I had stayed up to watch a livestream of the first ever Eras Tour show. And I had turned my phone volume all the way down, then got a glass of water, and stayed a safe distance away from my phone until it looked like the song was over. I just couldn't listen to it. I had listened to it once, and only once, when the album came out. I read the lyrics along with the song, like I had with every song. That was the last time I listened to it. It's a beautiful song and everything, trust me, but, hell, it came out just a few months after my grandmother had died. I was living in a one room, one bathroom, on top of an Italian restaurant. I could hear the owner, an incredibly nice woman named Adelina, snoring at night. I worked as many shifts in the restaurant as I physically could, saving up money for when I would eventually move. My grandmother had set it up.

"When you need to run," She told me, just two days before she died, pressing a thick envelope and a set of keys into my hands. "Run here."

After her funeral, when there was nothing left for me in Massachusetts, my home state, I fled to the restaurant. The restaurant was in California, quite literally across the entire country from my family. It was okay, though. That was where my life began.

So hearing "marjorie" live was bringing up a shit ton of old feelings, old thoughts, old memories. I thought I was prepared...but I wasn't. Julien watched me, anxiously waiting for what I would do.

"Abby? Honey?" She said softly when she realized I had froze. "Let's just move to the back, alright?"

I let her lead me to the very back of the tent. Nobody could see us back there. Covered by other people, I let myself cry. Julien pulled me into her arms, one hand on the back of my head, holding it to her shoulder.

I very rarely let myself cry about it. If I started, I was afraid I wouldn't stop. Julien was the person who witnessed my first breakdown, way back in 2020. And she didn't look horrified from my loud sobs. She just held me, like she was doing then at the concert. 

When the song was over, I lifted my head slowly.

"Oh, shit." I sniffled, laughing just the tiniest bit. "Your shoulder has gems on it."

"So does your face," Julien said. "Like, a lot of your face."

She pulled her phone out of her pocket, using the camera for a mirror. She was right; my makeup was everyone. I looked ridiculous.

"Oh, Jesus!" I exclaimed.

We were both laughing and smiling now, my minor breakdown forgotten.

I had just gotten out of the tent to go to the bathroom to clean up when Katie was walking into the tent. She came with me and helped me fix my makeup. She didn't ask any questions. We just talked like we normally did. I was a little sad to be missing "champagne problems" and "tolerate it", but I needed a breather. Plus, when we left the bathroom we could hear "...Ready for It?" pretty clearly. We started running, and got back right before "Delicate" started.

"You almost missed the bitch scream!" Julien exclaimed when I got to her.

We successfully did the bitch scream, then I sat back down.

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Don't worry, there will be more Eras Tour! That part isn't over yet...