Watch Me Drown

26. Panic

TW: intense panic attack, throwing up

(Abby's point of view)

Why had we made the appointment so early? The rest of the day dragged on and on and on. I just wanted to curl up, go to sleep, and forget about the appointment, at least for a few hours. I occupied myself with what I could. With my hand, I couldn't really play the piano. I had posted on Instagram after we got the brace that I would be out of commission for a while, which basically just meant that I didn't post YouTube videos for a few weeks. I read a lot, and listened to a bunch of music and podcasts. Anything to keep me doing something.

The sun had finally gone down, and me and Julien were going to watch a movie. We didn't know what yet. Julien was scrolling through Disney Plus while sitting on the couch, and I was standing in the kitchen, looking at the screen. Once we decided on something, we would make a quick dinner.

"What are we thinking?" I said.

"Hm." Julien replied. "I'm not sure yet."

She scrolled down a little bit more, pausing at the "The Fault in Our Stars" movie.

"This was a good one." She commented, then looked to me. "Maybe this?"

I was about to answer, when a strange feeling washed over me. The plot of the movie ran through my head, and I felt shaky. Suddenly, I had some sort of epiphany. What if all these test results were bad? What if I had cancer, just like Hazel and Augustus? Phoebe could be right, and I could be dying of cancer.

A new word crept into my head, and my breath caught in my throat.

Terminal.

What if I was terminal?

Anxiety shot through my veins, leaving every part of me shaking. It gripped my chest and jacked up my heart. My breaths came short, erratic, and noisy, which got Julien's attention.

"Abby?" She said, concerned. She hurried over to me and tried to snap me out of whatever was going on. I was staring at the counter, not really seeing it. I was also gripping the counter with my trembling hands, trying to stabilize myself. My legs felt weak. Suddenly, the apartment felt too hot and small. A wave of nausea hit me. My stomach twisted and I gagged. It was enough to break me out of my shock.

"I'm gonna be sick." I said hastily before quickly moving over to the sink, dry heaving instantly.

"Breathe, Abby," Julien said after a minute of her patting my back. I wasn't even throwing up. I just felt, very much so, like I was going to.

"I-I...I can't..." I was gasping for air. "It...I..."

"Hold on, it's alright," She said softly, pulling me upright and turning me around so we faced each other. "It's okay."

My breathing was going back to erratic, and I was getting dizzy. We were just lucky that my legs hadn't given out.

"Can you sit? You need to sit down." Julien steered me to the couch. "I don't want you falling."

I sat down, and dropped my head into my hands. All I could hear was my heart pounding. I could feel it too, everywhere. I felt it in my chest, my stomach, my arms, my head, my hands, everywhere! The sound made me want to scream. I wanted to yell at it to stop. My fingernails dug into my skin.

"Abby, hey, relax." Julien's voice was quiet, yet stern, as she took my hands away from my face. She had to get me calm before she could comfort me. "Breathe, okay? Listen to my breathing. Copy it, yeah?"

"I can't." My gasps became sobs in seconds. Julien pulled me into her arms immediately. We ended up on the floor, me sitting in her lap, her arms wrapped tightly around me. I cried so much. I had not cried like that in a very long time. At least it drowned out the sound of my heart.

I don't know how long we sat there. It could have been hours. It could have been days. I had no sense of time. All I knew was that I was tired, in so many different ways. Eventually, I ran out of tears. When my sobs dissipated, I pulled back from Julien's shoulder to look at her.

"I'm sorry." I said after a minute of unbroken eye contact with her. I got choked up again after the words left my mouth. 

Julien shook her head. "Don't apologize. You don't need to. Now...what happened?"

"The test results..." I sniffled. "What if they're bad?

She looked at me for a long moment, silent. What could someone even say to that? She couldn't tell me that it was going to be alright, because maybe it wouldn't be. She couldn't say that we would stick together, because maybe I would die. She couldn't tell me to relax and breathe, or to never give up. In that moment, I doubted everything. And I hated myself for that.

"Wait here." Julien spoke suddenly, then got up and disappeared into the bedroom.

***

(Julien's point of view)

The ring. I needed the ring.

I dug through my side of the closet, searching for the little box I had hidden. Apparently, I hid it well. Finally, I discovered it in my sock drawer, shoved it in my pocket, and ran back out to the living room. Abby had sat on the couch again, her legs stretched out in front of her. I sat by her thigh, and pulled out the box.

"Julien-" Abby's puffy, bloodshot eyes widened.

"Don't worry, I'm not proposing!" I said quickly.

We both knew that then wasn't the time to be getting engaged.

"I, um," My voice was almost a whisper. "I got you a promise ring. Because I swear to you, Abby, I will be here for whatever is coming next. You complete me, and I am not going to let any illness get in the way of that. I am a better person because of you." 

Abby's eyes had welled up again at my little speech. I popped open the box, and let her look at it for a moment, before I slid it onto one of her pointer fingers. It fit perfectly. The band wasn't covered in diamonds or anything, it was just a simple ring with a sparkly, white, abstract shaped gem.

"It's beautiful, Julien." Abby whispered. "Thank you."

I kissed her forehead, and sat beside her, my arm around her shoulders. "You helped me through my shit. I'll help you through yours."

"I just..." She muttered after a few minutes of silence. "I miss...myself. I miss when I was healthy."

"I miss you too." I sighed. My voice shook.

"Will you sing?" She sounded half asleep. "Just for a little bit?"

I didn't say anything, I just started singing "Fine Line" by Harry Styles. Abby traced my tattoos with the finger her new ring was on.

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"Fine Line" by Harry Styles is so fitting for this story!