Watch Me Drown

36. MSG

TW: throwing up

(Abby's point of view)

It was the night before the boys played Madison Square Garden, and I couldn't sleep, which was surprising because we'd been busy all day. First, we traveled to New York, then did a very long soundcheck, then went out to some fancy restaurant. I think they said it was to celebrate playing at MSG. I was tired, and busy in my own head. My thoughts revolved around the fact that soon I would have to face my parents. I had also gotten my period that day, and I took painkillers immediately, which helped a lot, but I was still nauseous.

After a while of trying to fall asleep, I gave up, and quietly got out of bed. I grabbed a towel from the bathroom, tiptoed out to the balcony, and put the towel on the ground for a seat. I hoped I hadn't woken anyone up. We were sharing a room with Lucy and Phoebe again.

A minute or two later, the door slid open.

"Can't sleep?" Phoebe whispered.

"Yeah." I whispered back.

She closed the door and sat beside me, not bothering to sit on anything. She pulled her knees to her chest like me, but crossed her arms over her stomach, while mine were wrapped around my legs. I hadn't thought to wear a sweatshirt or anything. All I had on was a t-shirt, thin pajama pants, and slippers. I was freezing, yet the cold bite to the air helped my nausea. Phoebe was more appropriately dressed, wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. 

"How are things with you and Julien?" She asked me.

"Fine, I guess." I sighed. "I think we're both tired. I am, at least."

"Julien kind of buzzes when she's on tour." Phoebe laughed a little.

I nodded. I envied Julien's energy. We were quiet for a few minutes, watching the sky.

"Do you ever think about...marriage?" Phoebe said quietly.

This took me off guard. I tore my gaze from the sky to look at her. She didn't look at me, she just kept staring at the stars, as if she was embarrassed. I looked at my knees. I knew my answer. I'd thought about it a lot.

"You know how much I love Julien," I told her. "I want to get married...I just can't right now."

"What do you mean?" She turned to me, and now it was my turn to avoid eye contact.

"Phoebe..." I shook my head. "I don't want to be your new sick and married person."

She laughed a little.

"Seriously." I said. "As long as I'm sick, I'm not getting married. I'm not forcing Julien to commit that much to this."

I motioned towards myself. Phoebe frowned.

"Julien loves you, Abby," She said sincerely. "Every part of you."

It looked like she was trying to hold back a joke. A small smile turned up my lips. The wind blew, and I shivered. She put her arm around my shoulders and scooted closer to me.

"You're gonna figure it out." She whispered.

I don't know if it was her kind gesture, or her words, or talking about Julien, but whatever it was made my eyes fill with tears. This led me down a new spiral. I had cried just the night before, because I'd made Julien cry again. I kept hurting her.

"Oh, Phoebe." I dropped my head into my hands.

"What? What's wrong?" She exclaimed, surprised at my sudden outburst.

"I'm a horrible person." I cried into my palms.

"What?!" She said. "You are far from horrible!"

"No, I am, really, I am!" I hiccuped. "I'm hurting Julien so much! She shouldn't have to deal with this! I'm burdening all of you."