Watch Me Drown

39. Parents

(Abby's point of view)

It was as bad as I had expected it to be. I was judged by my parents the whole time, silently or verbally. Each time, I could practically see steam coming out of Julien's ears. She just stared at her plate, and I saw her hands clenched in fists under the table. She was practically gnawing her lip off, furious, by the time my dad cleared the table and my mom went with him. I guess they needed a break from me the same way I needed a break from them. Julien turned to me the second they were out of earshot.

"Good God." She whispered, exasperated. "Do they ever leave you alone?!"

I stared at the place where my plate had been. We ate "my favorite" meal. It was actually my father's favorite meal. Frankly, I found it a bit gross. I felt a little nauseous, but other than that, I was numb.

"No." I whispered back.

"Are you alright?" She asked me.

"No." I repeated.

My lip quivered and my eyes burned. Every single time I looked at any corner, any seat, any room, wall, floor, table, painting, stair, doorway, etcetera, some memory came to mind. Bad ones outnumbered the good ones. I needed to get out of that trauma filled prison.

"We need to go very soon." I hissed, forcing my tears back.

"Okay," Julien suddenly softened. "Don't worry. I'll get you out of here."

When my parents came back, Julien made some excuse about being exhausted from all our travel. She got us out faster than I ever had. Within minutes, we were by the door, pulling our jackets on. When we left, I didn't say "I love you" to my parents. I had given up on that a while ago. They didn't even wait in the doorway, waving to us as we drove away, like they do in movies. The second we were outside, they closed the door.

I walked ahead of Julien, aiming for the driver's seat. She let me take it, and climbed into the passenger seat. I drove from muscle memory. I wasn't thinking about driving.

"Abby, can you drive right now?" Julien questioned.

My eyes were filling with tears, but I nodded.

"Let me drive." She said.

The tears started falling down my cheeks. I shook my head.

"Pull over, Abby." Her tone was stern.

I wiped my eyes so I could see and pulled over. That's when I really started to cry. I rested my head on the steering wheel, letting my tears fall onto my legs. I didn't sob. I just sat there, silently weeping.

"It's okay, it's okay," Julien murmured, her hand on my back.

"No," I shook my head. "No, it's not. I...I can't go back...I can't s-see them."

One sob escaped, and Julien pulled me into her arms as best as she could in a car.

"We don't have to go back," She whispered. "We can fly home tomorrow."

That idea sounded really nice. Screw the bet. I'd be down one hundred bucks, so what? It didn't matter. I would give Lucy the money and go home. I wanted to go home.

But I couldn't give up. I couldn't just leave. I hadn't seen my bedroom yet. I hadn't visited the cemetery yet. I decided that I wasn't leaving until I did those things.

"I want to try," I sniffled. "Just a few more days."

Julien pulled back, cupping my face in her hands. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." I whispered.

She kissed my forehead a few times. Then we got out of the car and switched seats. I shivered when I got back in. I wasn't used to Massachusetts weather. Julien turned up the heat, and my limbs were thawed a few minutes later. I quietly cried the whole way back to the hotel. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was some sort of release. Julien kept her hand on my knee.

When we got back to the hotel, she practically dragged me up to the room. I was so tired. My eyes were so puffy and heavy. I just wanted to sleep. Julien sat me on the bed and helped take off my shoes. Other days, I would have insisted that I could do it, but that night, I needed her.

"You feel up to a shower?" She asked after placing my jacket and shoes by the door.

"Not tonight." I muttered.

She hugged me then. I was half asleep when she pulled away.

"What pajamas do you want?" She said.

"Do I have to change?" My words were starting to slur. "I want to go to sleep."

"Abby, you're in jeans." She pointed out. "You wanna sleep in jeans?"

I sighed. "No."

So she helped me change and then get into the bed. I was glad we weren't sharing a room with Lucy and Phoebe. I didn't want anyone else to see me like that. I forced myself to stay awake until Julien was done getting unready.

"Julien." I whispered when she laid down beside me.

"Yes, love?" She whispered back.

"Can we...go to the cemetery tomorrow?"

"Of course! That's a great idea."

She pulled me into her arms, and we started discussing the next day for a few minutes, but then I fell asleep.

***

(Julien's point of view)

"I wish you could've met her." Abby said quietly.

We were driving to the cemetery. First, we had grabbed Starbucks, and then went to a flower store. Abby held a bouquet tightly in her arms. She'd made sure that the flowers could survive the cold.

"I do too." I agreed.

"She would've loved you." She smiled a little.

"She still can." I said.

Abby's smile grew, and she nodded a little. I couldn't help but smile as well. It was a great morning. It wasn't even too cold. We still got warm drinks, though.

When we got to the cemetery, Abby led the way to the grave. It must have been embedded in her memory. When she found it, we just stared for a moment. It clearly hadn't been taken care of. There were sticks and leaves scattered around it, and the headstone was dirty. Abby knelt down by the stone, and I started kicking the debris away, to give her a moment. When I did kneel down beside her, she was crying a little. Her voice was thick when she spoke.

"It still hurts." She sniffled. "And I don't know how to make it stop hurting."

She sat down, letting her legs stretch out, and gripped the neck of her MUNA hoodie. I put my arm around her and rested my head on her shoulder.

"Talk to her." I suggested.

"What?" Abby said.

"Just..." I explained. "Tell her about things. About you."

She thought about this for a few minutes. Her eyebrows were pulled together, which means she's really thinking.

"Can you get the flowers from the car?" She said quietly.

This was her way of asking to be alone. I kissed her head, then stood up and walked to the car. I made sure to take my time. I wanted her to have a while.

I fixed up the flowers, getting rid of dead leaves, and then cleaned up the spot where the flowers had been. I stayed away as long as I could, but then I remembered that Abby did want the flowers, so I made my way back to her, slowly.

She was still sitting by the headstone, her back to the rest of the cemetery. And she was talking. I couldn't make out what she was saying. She was talking very softly. I caught only a few words. I believe she said something along the lines of marrying me one day. That made me smile. When she heard me coming, she stopped, but she seemed satisfied. I sat down across from her.

"You okay?" I said.

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm okay."

We stayed for a while longer, until we remembered we were having lunch with her parents, and Abby's hands were practically white. We were going to be late for lunch, so I scooped her up into my arms and ran to the car, laughing with her the whole way.

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How sappy.