Watch Me Drown

22. Leaked

(Abby's point of view)

Me and Julien had not had issues in a long time. Like, literally years. When she quit smoking in 2021 things got a little rocky. We had a few arguments. One week, we didn't speak to each other for four days. I know that's not a long time, but it was for us. I had been sort of living with her, but I still had my own place, so I just didn't go over to hers, and she didn't come over to mine. Eventually, we did see each other and made things right.

I kept reminding myself that it wasn't as bad as that. We were just distant, and quiet. Neither of us was going to confront the other about it. We both hated confrontation. It was a waiting game that we didn't want to play. It would blow over.

But days went by and we had barely had a full conversation.

Julien went to the gym a few times. We both knew that I couldn't, so she never invited me. I would just listen to music and clean. I was running out of things to clean, though. I had done a lot of cleaning and listening. When I wasn't doing that, I was reading. I was rereading the "Twilight" series. They were my comfort books. Julien played the guitar as much as I read. She was constantly in the office, playing a lot of boygenius songs and singing. She would close the door, but I could still hear her. I would stop reading and just listen. In those times, I really missed her, and all I wanted to do was go into the office and sit with her while she played. 

I knew it wouldn't last long, and I was right. It was exactly one week after the gym incident. I was in bed reading, and Julien was in the bathroom washing her face. Julien's phone started buzzing, but I was distracted with my book. Then it rang a second time. Then a third. I pulled myself away from the story to look at who was calling her.

"Hey, Julien!" I called. "Lucy's calling you!"

She came out of the bathroom, her face still damp, and answered the phone.

"What's up?" She said to Lucy.

I could hear the buzz of Lucy's voice, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. Julien's face twisted with confusion.

"She's alright." She glanced at me. "What's wrong, Lucy?"

She listened, and then her expression became full of panic. She started pacing and hastily asking questions. She told Lucy to send her something, then hung up. Within seconds, her phone chirped. She opened the text, stared at whatever it was for a minute with wide eyes, then turned off her phone and threw it on the bed.

"Julien, what's wrong? I asked her.

"The security footage from the gym." She choked out. "It got leaked."

"What?!" I exclaimed.

"From when you had that episode," She explained. "Somebody leaked the security camera footage and it's everywhere."

My jaw dropped. Oh, fuck. Everyone had seen me, literally convulsing. The media was probably going insane.

But I wasn't really focused on that in the moment.

Julien was still pacing. She was wringing her hands, and practically gnawing her lip off. Her breaths were shaky, just like the rest of her.

"Julien." I got out of bed and rushed to her. I hadn't even put a bookmark in my book. "What is it?"

I held her hands still and used my other hand to move the hair from her face. We were very close, almost pressing against each other. She stared at our joined hands while I fixed her hair. When our eyes met, hers, to my astonishment, filled with tears. Her chin shook and her breathing got all messed up, like when you're trying not to cry.

I sat her on my side of the bed, and she immediately wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her face in my shirt. With her sitting, her head was resting on my stomach, so I could rub her shoulders and keep playing with her hair.

"What's wrong, J?" I whispered.

"It's everywhere, and I can't do it." She sobbed, her fists holding the fabric of my shirt.

"What do you mean, baby?" I murmured. I tried to keep my own feelings at bay. Julien needed me.

"I can't look at it!" She cried. "I can't watch it. I had to watch it once, and I don't want to ever again. Never...I can't..."

Julien was crying too much to keep talking. I sat down beside her and pulled her into my arms. She curled into me, her legs ending up across my thighs, her hands gripping my arm as if her life depended on it. She sobbed enormous, loud, pained sobs. That was the most upset I had ever seen her. I held her for a long time, forcing myself not to cry. Other people crying always made me cry.

Eventually, she calmed down. I had gotten her to lay down, so I was holding her as she, now silently, finished crying. We were on our sides, facing each other, her head rested right under my chin.

"I'm sorry I've been such an asshole." Julien said after a while.

"I haven't been the best either." I admitted.

She pulled me into her arms and started playing with my hair. She could never be vulnerable for too long.

"I know I said it before," I added. "But I am sorry you had to see that."

She shrugged. "Life isn't fair."

"Life was fair when I got you." I said.

"Yeah," She sighed. "I guess."

"Julien." I propped myself up with my elbow so I could look at her. "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"I just...when you're unconscious or something, I feel so useless." Julien confessed. "There's nothing I can do to make you better."

"Nobody can do anything right now."

"Seriously, Abby, what can I do?"

For the first time in my life, I knew exactly what I wanted, what I needed.

"Can you learn more songs for me?" I asked.

She chuckled. "Okay. Anything specific?"

"I like it when it's a surprise."

So she learned songs for me. Every few days, she brought me into the office and played whatever song she had learned. I think that was something that kept me going. Without it, I probably would've lost my will to continue.

I knew that Julien would never think super fondly of herself. But I would still try to get her to see how amazing she was.

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THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE BOOK I JUST FELT LIKE BEING DRAMATIC