The subsiding strength of a Swap Sans

Chapter 8: Punishment

I grumble while awakening in the same room as I have been waking up in for a few days now, I haven't really been able to leave, which I understand to a point but I'm SO bored.

At least they've been feeding me, plus Killer has been nice company.

I've been feeling WAY better, well, physically at least, I don't feel the need hold in tears when I move anymore, well from physical pain that is. Anyway, Killer hangs out in here really often, Nightmare has come to check on me multiple times though. Also Dust came in to deliver food a few times, same with Horror. I haven't seen much of Cross other than the one time Killer dragged him in here with him to check on me.

It was kind of awkward, Cross is so quiet, although according to Killer he's constantly training and is kind of stuck up. He definitely didn't give me that vibe though, he seems like he just needs to prove himself to himself, although it doesn't really seem to be working. Then again, who am I to speak?

Killer flopped onto me yesterday, it was kind of a joke and he was a little concerned he hurt me, which he did, but there's NO way I'd tell him that.

My face keeps lighting up with warmth when he's around, I know it's really dumb and I don't even know him well but all the things he's said to me are always replaying through my head and I honestly don't understand why. I literally hated him for so long, and now I have a little boy crush on him???

He's a murderer and insane.

I don't really understand how the hell something like that came to be of someone so... sweet though. Of course, describing him as sweet is a bit of a stretch, he is incredibly annoying. He really tries to get on your nerves but when he actually strikes a bad one he is super apologetic and seems to genuinely care.

And to be honest I don't deserve that.

I don't at all.

Everything has gotten so colorless lately, I don't know why I keep living. If only they were stupid enough to leave a knife in here or at least something a little sharp so I could cut it out.

Cut out my feelings.

Cut out my entire life.

...

What if I could actually...?

I mean, Dream and Ink clearly don't need me, I'm so useless I couldn't even complete a simple mission and I screwed up so majorly that I can barely walk and I got kidnapped by my enemies who have taken some sort of sick pity on me.

I'm going to try to figure out how to kill myself.

I have too.

I feel bad that Nightmare wasted those cleaning supplies on me but I really shouldn't have survived that.

Clearly I was supposed to die that day. 

I should finish the job.

I'm so selfish and I'm cruel and I can't do anything right, I can't even hurt myself right! Nightmare has taken extra precautions to keep me away from sharp objects and has been giving me plastic and paper instead of glass.

I assume Killer told him what happened.

Not that I blame him though.

Nightmare has also told me that my health has skyrocketed since I've awoken I can walk already despite it being impossible for me to do just days ago. Killer calls blames it on my high expectations of myself, yet it worked even if that's the case.

I barely looked around the room they're keeping me in though, I think I'll do that eventually, maybe wait until Killer busts in to say they're going on a mission or something.