Silakbo

Kabanata 7

Philippines, 2023
Month of August

Imogen.

Both the sound of raindrops and the water coming out from the shower didn't help with getting rid of the voices from replaying inside my head.

"Miss Vergel..."

Ubos na ang bula sa katawan ko pero paulit-ulit akong nagkukuskos — as if this would help me empty my mind.

I had found myself waking up on the floor from unconsciousness again. Sigurado ako, I didn't just fall asleep. Never in my life have I accidentally fallen asleep kung alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi naman ako inaantok — not even on the floor after reading a letter. Just a goddamn letter.

Hinilamusan ko ang mukha ko. I didn't want to go beyond my imaginations but was it the letter? Kasi pangatlong beses na 'to, e. Hindi na 'to coincidence. Those letters appeared three times in a row, in different places and different times; and I always end up with the same exact aftermath: losing consciousness.

At gigising ako na napanaginipan ang mga liham na 'yon.

Pero sa pagkakataong 'to, mas naging malapit siya sa pakiramdam. I could hear myself speak as if I was the one in Pluma's place. As if I were her. But everything was still blurry and indistinctive.

Hindi na 'yon coincidence, 'di ba? Or was I just looking for something to blame? Baka may mali na sa katawan ko? May sakit na ako?

God, help me.

I sat on the bed and dried my hair with the help of the towel. Akala ko makakatulong 'yung pagligo ko sa mga iniisip ko pero mas lalo lang lumala. I may have wanted to sleep so I could be at ease, I already did. Hindi ko pa nga ginusto, e.

And because I couldn't take it anymore, I decided to go outside. Wala naman sigurong tao dahil 2 AM na. If I can't clear my mind by taking a bath or by sleeping, maybe eating something would do. Lola offered me a mango graham cake pa naman kanina before we decided to stay here. Valid pa kaya 'yung alok na 'yon?

Madilim sa kusina pagkarating ko. I didn't even think of turning on the lights because of the fear that I might inflate their electrical bill.  I mean alam ko namang ilaw lang 'yon pero ewan, parang nakakahiya.

Kasalanan 'to ni Mommy kaya ganito ako mag-isip, e. She gets mad at me kapag nagbubukas ako ng ilaw tapos wala naman daw akong gagawin para kailanganin ang ilaw.

Weird parenting.

I was about to take a spoon with the help of the dim light from the window when the kitchen suddenly lit. I turned around and that's when I saw Jace standing by the light switch, halfway through wearing his shirt — isang arm pa lang 'yung nasusuot niya.

"Villaluna?"

Nagkibit-balikat na lang ako at tumalikod ulit noong nagmadali siyang suotin 'yung shirt niya at 'yung eyeglasses niya. Topless ba siyang matulog sa lamig ng panahon na 'to?

"Bakit gising ka pa?" He asked when he was already beside me.

That's when I noticed that my hand was still stretched towards the spoon. Sumulyap ako sa gilid kung nasaan siya at nakita kong nakatitig siya sa akin. I felt embarrassed and moved my hand to reach for a drinking glass instead. "Nauuhaw lang."

"Hmm," He hummed. "Akin na, ako na kukuha." Saka niya kinuha sa kamay ko 'yung baso at kumuha rin siya ng kanya bago nagpunta sa ref para kumuha ng tubig. Pagkabukas niya ng freezer, nakita ko 'yung hindi pa bawas na graham cake.

I wanted to cry.

After filling our glasses, he handed mine to me. "Thank you."

He was still standing by the refrigerator and casually drinking his water. I couldn't help but to notice how veiny his hands were. Wala, napansin ko lang.