I wish I could forgive you
I really do
But the thing with pain
It lingers
And it's hard to shake
I can forgive you for the small things
And I have accepted that the things that you did
Are something I can't change
I have moved on
But not enough to where I can forgive you
And maybe I never will
It's a darkness that I carry with me
And even if I said the words right now
"I forgive you"
They wouldn't be true
They would be a phrase
Just like a dinner prayer
That I memorized
A muscle memory
Picked up from childhood
Something that comes so automatic
Yet is so artificial
And the funny thing is
If I said those words
You would believe me
And we could go through life
Playing pretend
You believing a lie
And me holding onto that lie
Trying to make myself believe it too
You had no other options
And granted
You didn't
But what I still can't forget
Are the phone calls
Maybe I was manic
Maybe I was just trying to escape
But one thing held true through it all
I was the one crying on the phone
I was the one pleading with you to help me escape the hell hole you sent me to
I was the one begging to be set free
Maybe I was overdramatic
Maybe I was just scared and homesick
But when your safety network
That you've spent years trying to trust
When they don't help
Or even listen to you
And when they leave you hours away
That trust is broken forever
We can't repair what happened because you never admitted to being wrong
You never acknowledged that I put in the work and you didn't
And I'll tell you a secret
I lied to get out
You always said to fake it till you make it
So I took your advice
I lied for my freedom
And it wasn't easy
What I learned is it's a game
You can't be too happy
And you can't dismiss your sadness
It's a balance
That gradually redirects you back to the average happiness level
It was a lot of irregular drops
And a lot of lifts
But eventually I made it to the finish line
Which wasn't actually a finish line
