to the mother of the boy I was screwing fall of '17
did you know?
that's a silly question
we never talked about it
and from the conversations I overheard you talking with him
he clearly did not
did you know that I fell in love with him
your son
that even though he said he didn't want anything serious
I still fantasized about it
that in my mind
me and your son
would become the power couple of that year
he would invite me to prom
and we would go
I would be the odd one out
the freshman
at the junior prom
but it wouldn't matter
because I was with him
I was his
did your son ever tell you about our kisses
how they started out gentle
but by the minute
grew more and more feral
us trying to search every inch of the other's mouth
trying to find solace
and comfort
knowing that what we did
in the dark
in his black suv
was normal
was ok
have you ever noticed his stubble
the way that everything else about him was smooth
except for that little stubble
right under his lip
it always cut into my lip
but it didn't matter
your son had beautiful hands
his hands knew places of my body
that I had not yet discovered in my youth
we explored each other
and drew maps
places where we'd go
and places where we knew not to
have you ever smelled his breath after is shift at that Mexican place
the one on main street
how he unashamedly accepted his scent
and for it I loved it
has he ever played the music he played to me with you
he almost could pass as straight
if only because of his music
his eyes always scanning
securing the coast
as clear
and then reaching his hand
and placing it on my leg
on my inner thigh
that sent shivers down my back
did you ever see his sweaty body
after only minutes of "exercise"
how his skin trembled
yet sparkled under the moonlight
how he knew all the places
where we would not be found
how kind he was to me
during and for a moment
after
did he tell you
he fell for a sad boy
looking back on it
and writing about it now
I realize that he may have had feelings for me
and ill believe it
if only to give myself some peace
about the whole situation
maybe he did have feelings
after all
what would he care about my personality
what would it matter
if all we were were bodies
two vessels
tumbling into one another
but did he tell you about the other guy
how his being with him
made me question how many
how many of me were there
did I take the place of someone else before me
was my nameplate written over someone else's
and how the boy he talked to
and fell into over and over again
was my friend
was an acquaintance at least
how the boy he fell for
was so much better than me
that I had no reason to be jealous
because after all
you were out of my league
I was a charity case
probably because I was available
and willing
but you found someone who gave you more
one who you could be seen in public with
did I make it all up in my head
was it all fake
was it a dream
or was I merely not on his mind enough to tell you about me
was my existence not worth mentioning to you
he's found another
a year older than me
he still has those same young eyes
mine have aged since then
maybe one day we'll meet again
and you'll know me from him and not from work
