A Story I Could NEVER tell

THE WAITING GAME

    It's been a few more days since "the situation." I've run the situation by a few people to get their thoughts and opinions about it... and some kept it brutally honest. It was just the ones who had more faith than I did, telling me he may be in jail, maybe he doesn't want to be bothered, maybe he has a secret or even living a secret life... I had already felt in my heart something was wrong... and at this point, Father's Day passed... my birthday passed and still NOTHING... he would have at least told me happy birthday... June had been an emotional roller coaster for me... and I'm getting sicker and sicker as the days go on... July is slowly going by. It was EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY how often I checked jails, social media, family members' pages, legal help firm, Fox News, Channel 9 News EVERYDAY at least 6-8 times a day. I didn't miss a day! But I knew I had to get my shit together... Let alone I still have to get out here and WORK and make money... I have to move. It's a lot on my plate. And it's not like I can contact any of his family members... WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO BE?! What am I supposed to tell these people???? I've never met any of these people! And all the while I was lurking... I found out A LOT about family members... Mom, Dad, Sisters, he has a boatload of cousins... And of course, I found out I wasn't the only woman he was talking to. He was feeding my ears as well as the other women.
But there was truly a bigger issue at hand... the other women don't matter rn... this mans life is in possible jeopardy _______________
   So after finding out I wasn't the only one... it made me angry so I stepped back a bit... His family definitely snapped for him because now at this point it's been over a month...
They had popular Chicago activists posting that he had been missing, Police reports, News channels, and missing persons reports... his mom is a retired police officer... his parents flew from the state they stayed in to come to Chicago to see about their son. They made a police report...
So now for sure for sure I know the rest is out of my hands
I had been all over the baby mommas pages... bean head ass little girl is locked up with outstanding charges so she couldn't post anything... But it was one baby momma in particular that was rubbing me the wrong way... with her ditsy ass post... I understand that she has a kid with him but some of these goofy ass posts are very much so unnecessary... and pointless
And I knew for a fact she had been laying in the same bed I've been laying in....because she let it be known on social media she had been spending nights with him
And come on now y'all .... THEY WEREN'T PLAYING NO FUCKING CARDS
My mom told me a long time ago to stop lurking on them baby mama pages and just wait to see if he turns up soon...
I had already known this was very, very unlike him to do some shit like this... I had it in my head he was dead already
I haven't felt this type of sickness since my best friend passed
So here I am just taking it a day by day. Doing all the things that make me happy and just trying to keep happy thoughts and keep myself busy. I started journaling again and it had helped a lot. But I still couldn't shake
THE FEELING OF NOT KNOWING
I found myself drinking and smoking A LOT, something I never even told anyone... they saw me do it but they never thought much about it... This is how I was dealing with it.... This is the only way I KNEW how to handle it.
I hated how I felt like I was overly talking about the situation with some people... I felt like most people didn't care at all... let alone cared about how I felt

So I SHUT MY ASS UP and just suffered in silence like I often do anyways... because at the end of the day I have to sleep in my bed ALONE... I have to wipe my own fucking tears away. Nobody talks about how you have this support and kind words from others and that's what was helping me....
BUT NOBODY TALKS ABOUT HOW YOU LAY IN YOUR BED ALONE WITH YOUR THOUGHTS
So my mind had been constantly RACING... I didn't get any sleep... I was barely eating... I'd wake up a lot throwing up in the morning just breaking down and praying.... PRAYING that I get some type of peace. Praying that he is somewhere safe...