A Story I Could NEVER tell

THE CLOSING ( healing )

      Some time goes by
I have started my healing journey... I've been writing more, taking my vitamins, just making small changes to make me feel good. I from time to time check family members' pages to see if they might be having a funeral service for him... I saw they were having a balloon release for him but that was way far out somewhere... I slowed down more and more on the lurking because I was making myself sick... going back to that dark place again wasn't in the plan at all.

I'm thinking about it... I couldn't go to the service... not to mention I've already exchanged words with the baby mama crew... Who was I supposed to tell these people I am? What if I get into it with one of these women?

   I had a feeling.... Woke me up out my sleep.... Something told me to go lurk.... And YOU KNOW what I did
I WENT TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT
    I went and found out that they were having a funeral for him ...
HERE I AM FEELING SICK AGAIN
I was battling with myself about whether I should attend or not... but I knew I wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared for that... I talked to my mom about it and I voiced all my opinions and she told me, "You're just going to pay your respects and leave! You don't have to say anything to anybody!" Then again, how was I going to get away to the low end... everyone had work... Including ME.

AND IF SOMETHING WAS TO POP OFF ... I would be going by myself... In which my mom told me she didn't want me going by myself

  So I told my mom I wasn't going to attend his service...  and I would be able to sleep peacefully knowing I didn't go ...
       I have come to a point where im ready to close this chapter in my life and get some proper healing.... I still haven't grieved properly from the other losses I've had.

I never prayed this much in my life !
And I was never really big on religion but I knew for sure that there is a higher being!
I prayed mostly for strength , a clear mind , and PEACE in my heart...

I DECIDED TO LET IT GO... its no longer in my hands.

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        Here we are in September ...

    He had his service on August 26th... And I'm feeling better... I swear to GOD I never thought I would feel so many emotions in such a short time.
What I learned from all of this is... KNOW WHO YOU ARE INVOLVING YOURSELF WITH! Know all your facts! Keep asking questions! AND DON'T IGNORE THAT GUT FEELING! Listening to my gut has gotten me where I am and has kept me out of trouble!
And whether you like it or not LIFE HAPPENS AND DEATH IS INEVITABLE unfortunately...
I am still working through the pain... sometimes I still cry... but luckily I was able to get through all of that IN ONE PIECE...

-LOVE ON YOUR PEOPLE WHILE THEY'RE HERE !
-DONT BLAME YOURSELF FOR THINGS THAT ARE OUT OF YOUR CONTROL
-BE GENTLE AND KIND TO YOURSELF!
AND IF NOBODY ELSE TOLD YOU
I LOVE YOU !

THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR ALLOWING ME TO TELL MY SIDE OF THE STORY !  This started as apart of my healing journey and I just wanted to share this with YOU