A Story I Could NEVER tell

FROZEN

        AUGUST
    Here we are in August and still nothing... I can't seem to shake this sick feeling, even though my heart already told me what was up. I had no choice but to continue on with my life... you gotta think about it and think realistically.
Black male in Chicago... Street guy... with KIDS, FAMILY, and a GRANDFATHER he's looking after
I had to face the truth... I had a few people telling me
To check the morgue and I just couldn't find the strength to check... I just didn't have it in me, but I eventually checked and I didn't see anything there
   I couldn't leave this situation alone until I knew he was FOUND either dead or alive
...THOUGHTS PLAYING IN MY HEAD... I knew I was going to get on Facebook one day, and lurk and read something that's going to shatter me... THAT WAS SOMETHING I WAS SURE OF!

Here I am flicking through my Facebook dating and I come across M's profile.... He was trying to match with me... so I thought he was fine... then again since I had been with him I haven't checked that dating profile in a couple of weeks fr ...
I decided to type his name in on Facebook to see if he had been active on his other account... and all I can see is his family still posting and searching for him... baby mommas still looking for him... and lord and behold...

I saw the news that broke me.

His cousin found his body just a couple blocks from where they had been looking for him at..

In this moment, I'm in the house. The first thing I did was text my mom, telling her the news. The air in the house was suffocating me. Frog in my throat. Hands shaking. I couldn't think straight.
I made sure I had weed this time because I knew it was going to keep me level whenever I was to find out what was going on for real.
I rolled my blunt and headed outside for some air. It's pouring rain, but I didn't care.

I took a big hit of my blunt and my body started shaking, and it felt like I swallowed a pair of knee socks. I just started crying hysterically. I couldn't tell the difference between the rain and my tears.

You hear about shit like this on the news... you hear people talk about these things but you'd NEVER think it'll  happen to you...
IM FROZEN

  As I'm breaking down, I see my brother pull up from work and he said,
"What are you doing out here in the rain?"
He saw that I was crying,
And I replied,
"I can't stay in that house... I can't breathe. I needed some air."
And my crying got more hysterical.
He asked,
"What's wrong?"
I replied,
"They found M dead!!"
My brother hugged me and said,
"I told you that already, B."

Back when the situation was fresh, I ran it by my brother and he gave me his thoughts. He told me he was probably dead. But I didn't need him to tell me that... My heart had already told me that he was dead.
It seemed like when the people in my life died, I always have a dream about them... I had the same dream about my best friend... I dreamed that M was sitting on a red couch... but he spoke no words.

I stayed outside a little longer and finished my blunt, and I started to think to myself.

At least they found his body and can give him a proper burial... or maybe not one at all considering he had been laying out dead for a while

The world around me was ... so quiet ... but not literally, I stayed in my head A LOT! I knew if I wanted to shake this shit I had to do some self-digging, self-healing, shadow work, and I even prayed more! I did daily affirmations! Which helped me....

It helped me for a lil while...
I relied on a few people in this time of need! And they have no idea how much they've helped me and kept me from checking out... things in my life were starting to turn around and I had people rooting for me I couldn't stop and give up. I didn't make it this far to give the fuck up! I just didn't have that weak bitch energy in me.
I started buying myself more things... I went out more... I met some cool people... I wanted to drop this whole song and continue on with my life...

Can you imagine if I didn't take the plan b or if my cycle didn't come??? I was going to be a single parent

Nobody thought anything like this was going to happen. How do you even prepare for shit like this!?

And again I couldn't reach out to any family at this point... They don't know me from a can of paint... but with all the lurking that I did I knew A LOT about their lives... their kids... where they lived... background checks, Criminal history... occupations I knew it all.

    But still didn't have it in me to even reach out... the damage was already done.

    So you knoooww meee... here I am lurking on social media...

And just seeing all the post that were being made made me even sicker ... so I had to stay off his family's pages..... now the baby mommas..... I got some good information from their pages.... I didn't know he game one baby momma a ring and him and the othet one had been laid up at his crib on multiple occasions... I can see JUST you son spending the night with him , but if she spending " NIGHTS WITH YOU" what was I here for ?
   I started to question EVERYTHING!
Did he really love me?
Did he have plans to make a life with me?
Did he tell any of his family who I was to him?
Did they knoe I was financial support when he didn't have it?
Did they know I was doing his hair?
DID ANYONE KNOW ABOUT US ?!
...... did he love me fr ?
       I HAD TO SHAKE THESE THOUGHTS BECAUSE... shit it was over with

I TOLD MYSELF THAT MY CLOSURE WAS HIS FAMILY FINDING HIM FINALLY.

                  EVEN NOW.... Im still unclear on what happened to him... but something tells me that I will find out on social media... just like I found out about  everything else...
      But one thing for sure I know of... someone did something to him... I don't know why I feel like it was drug-related, but none of that matters... All I knew was I wasn't going to be able to talk to him again... see him again... feel his body against mine again.
There was a part of me that was at peace... He can't hurt me anymore. He can't lie to me anymore... I won't have to bump heads with any of his women... I'm not pregnant.
I feel for his kids, his mom, his dad, his family... I know he had a concern about his daughter who stayed in $$$$$ the mother isn't the best mom... now with her being in jail and him now being dead... his daughter will be with bean head ass little girl's mother...... which is the best choice!

  I keep looking back at all of our messages we exchanged while he was in jail ... he told me
| I believe in GOD, I Believe in Heaven
So that right there was my peace.