Revolt 13 | Y.Jw

| 2.1 |

It felt like a deja vu to wake up like this. Screaming to myself. Ruffling the bedsheets for any sense of security. Almost rolling out over the edge of the bed in search for any handle of reality.

This wasn't a new experience to me. This was how most nights of the week played out. I would watch one of a few scenes replay in my dreams, either more gruesome than I recall them being or with new people in their places. 

I dreamt of the boy from District One so often that whenever I stabbed him in the side of the neck with my arrow it hadn't been his face anymore. On occasions it had been Jungwon, other times it had been my brother. A few rare times it had been my mom sprawling on the mossy ground.

I gasped for my air as I felt around the floor in my small room on the train. It had been a few months since I had bewildered myself down onto the floor after one of my nightmares. Again it caused for a deja vu, a thought I had been getting every night I woke up from nightmares, for the past two months.

Should I go to Jungwon?

Each time I had convinced myself it would be a bad idea and that he would be asleep. However, ever since our conversation on our way home from the Capitol a few days ago I had kept thinking about it. Deciding against anything my mind was telling me I grabbed my pillow and got out on the dark hallway of the train.

Outside the windows on one side I could see the empty and dead landscape pass by in the darkness. It wasn't much I was able to see, but the moon's light reached just a few points not too far away.

Jungwon's small room was only a few doors away from my own, but the walk seemed longer than I had thought it would. Maybe it was because the floor was so cold against my bare feet, or maybe it was because I was still shaking all over.

"Jungwon?" I whispered and slowly pushed his door open.

He was laying on his back in his bed, starring up at the ceiling. Quickly just his head lifted from his pillow and he looked towards me through the dark. He reached over and turned on his bedside lamp. He didn't look to have slept at all, there wasn't even a trace of sleep near his eyes.

"I thought you had gone back to sleep," he murmured and I shook my head quietly, "what is it then?"

"Would you..." I trailed off, almost immediately regretting even coming to his room, but it was too late now, "would you mind if I slept in here?"

"No," he shook his head quietly, moving closer to his bedside lamp as I slowly stepped into the room and closed the door behind me, "too much?"

"Yeah," I whispered quietly as I rushed over to the opposite side of the bed and placed down my pillow while Jungwon quickly moved his own away. 

I didn't say much as I just laid down and looked back up at the ceiling. I could feel Jungwon's eyes on my face for a few seconds before he finally laid his head down on his pillow once again and looked in the same direction as me.

"You can wear the duvet as well," he reminded quietly and extended the upper corner towards me. I only took seconds to pull it the rest of the way over me and just lay quietly again, "it's alright. I get them too... multiple times a night."

"It's not even him anymore," I whispered quietly and sniffled for a quick second, "it's you or my brother or my mom or..." I trailed off before sighing heavily and rubbing my face in my hands, "sorry," I whispered feeling my eyes well up, "we should get some sleep."

"I'll listen," Jungwon assured and let his hand drop over my own on the duvet, "just talk. I'm gonna listen."

"I just want to sleep," I admitted quietly, "I want a peaceful night of sleep. No nightmares... no waking up in the middle of the night... the past two months all I've wanted was to come in here and sleep so that I could know you were alright."

"I know," he murmured quietly and ran a thumb over the back of my hand, "I've had that feeling too. Each time you've screamed I've wanted to go, but you always seemed so distant. I was afraid to do something wrong. And I know it was worst for you in the games bu-"

"It was worst for both of us," I reminded with a small roll of my eyes.

"No it wasn't," he quickly retorted, "I was sick or injured for half of the time, and you still went out and got us water, food and saw other people die and had to kill people or be on constant guard to keep us safe. All I did was lay there and tell you to let me die and it was not fair."

"What else were you going to do?" I murmured and shook my head slightly as I looked up at the ceiling.

"I was unfair in wanting you to survive while telling you to just let me die," he quickly declared and pushed himself up on his elbow, "it was selfish of me to not even give a thought to how you wanted the games to end."

"You had Sepsis."

"And I was insufferable."

"You were sick."

"I survived just fine."

"You were injured."

"I could've at least sat guard some nights."

I laid quietly before moving my eyes over to look at him. He almost looked like he was going to cry, even though there were no sign of tears in his eyes. Already now he was looking like he was begging me to do something.

"Please just..." he trailed off quietly, having to find his words again by momentarily pressing his lips tightly together, "let me at least be on night guard now," he whispered, "I know we're not in any danger, but I just want to hold you and make sure you get some proper sleep. If not hold you, at least be sure that you get proper sleep. Please..."

I glanced away for a second before just rolling over and wrapping my arms around his torso. He tensed up for a second before melting into the embrace and wrapping his arms back around me. Brushing a hand through my hair and holding me close to his chest as he tugged the duvet up tighter around us.

"Thank you," he whispered and nuzzled his nose into my hair at the top of my head.

"I still love you," I whispered and he hummed quietly, "even though I shy away... I'm just scared."

"I know," he whispered quietly, "don't think about it... just sleep."

His small murmur had worked as a command, either that or the mix of his warmth and security had made me immediately fall asleep with no worries. That night was the first time in months I felt completely rested and deep asleep. I don't remember the last time I slept as well as that night.