Then Where Is Home?

Chapter 30

TW for this chapter: Drinking, past relapse, past death, past suicide, past religious abuse mention, questioning religion/god

Note: There's talking of god, what god would/would not do, stuff like that. It is not meant to offend anyone, or to portray religion in a negative light. It is purely for fictional story telling

Once Wilbur and Eret were drunk they decided to make their way inside for the night. Techno had to help half carry Wilbur, who lost most of his balance while drunk. Techno was slightly drunk, but more still borderline tipsy.

By the time they made it into the living room Tommy was the only one awake. Tubbo had managed to crawl up on the couch with Ranboo and passed out half on top of him. Tommy was sitting on the floor, tv off, switch off, and he was just staring at the coffee table.

"You okay Tommy?" Niki asked, as Techno hauled Wilbur to his room. The four of them were all sleeping in Techno's room tonight. Tommy nodded as he stared off. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine." Tommy lied and Niki frowned. She could see how his eyes were glazed over a bit, like he was about to cry but forcing himself not to. Niki crossed over to the couch directly across from Tommy and sat down.

"What's wrong?" She repeated. Tommy glanced over his shoulder to Tubbo and Ranboo, then over to Techno's closed door. He then turned back to look at her, opened his mouth like he was gonna say something but stopped when tears welled up in his eyes. "Tommy?"

"Two weeks ago, when Wilbur and I fought and I relapsed and went to Tubbo and Ranboo's, he said that we didn't start losing people until I got here. What if he's right?" Tommy asked as a few tears fell down his face.

"Tommy." Niki said softly but he shook his head.

"Liam wasn't dead until I got here, not really. Schlatt didn't die until after we spent time together in the ward. Sam didn't die until the day I visited his house. People don't start dying until I spend time around them. What if I'm what's killing people?" Tommy asked, still not quite fully breaking down. He was crying, Niki could see the tears, but his voice was steady.

"Tommy you're not killing people, none of this is your fault." Niki reassured.

"But it has to be, it has to be my fault. I'm killing those around me, I'm destroying people." Tommy said and she shook her head.

"No you're not Tommy." She said softly.

"Niki I don't believe in a god but if I did he wouldn't do this, he wouldn't just kill those around me unless there is a reason. There has to be a reason." Tommy said quietly.

"I can't tell you what to believe, but I don't think this would be something God would do. God isn't like that." Niki said gently and Tommy just sat there, thinking about all his past experiences with religion.

For the most part his life was filled with abuse being his only memory of religion. God was always thrown in his face, praised to moments before he almost died, and the threat of hell was instilled from him by the time he was five.

Tommy always believed there was no God because how could God let shit like this happen?

"Then what is God like?" Tommy asked her.

"You kinda have to figure that out for yourself."

~~~

Wilbur woke up the next morning on the floor in Techno's room.

In all retrospect he did fall asleep on Techno's bed, but it is possible he either rolled or was pushed off.

He sat up and stretched, feeling the pressure in his head that always came the day after drinking. He wasn't quite hungover, so it wasn't horrible, but he definitely would need some water.