Then Where Is Home?

Chapter 18

Tw for this chapter: Past abuse mention, past SA mention, past harassment, suicidal thoughts, suicidal ideation, suicide planning (vague but still there), past suicide, weed, relapse, self harm mention, blood mention, drinking mention, vomit mention, panic attack, police, violence mention

Phil told all three of them everything, and like when he told them about Kristin he was crying for a lot of it.

He told them how his father was abusive until he abandoned him and his mother, he shared about how his mother remarried someone more abusive. He shared about the physical, emotional and sexual abuse he was put through. He told them the man's name was Kyle.

Phil shared about how he never told his mother, about how the only person before Dr. Simon to know was Kristin before she died. They all heard the slight hitch in his voice when he mentioned her.

Phil also shared about how after his mother died her husband tried to contact Phil again, about how he sent Phil a facebook message to say that he was moving to the city that they lived in right now. He even mentioned the fact that her husband sent him a letter, but that he never opened it and it still sat somewhere in the filing cabinets.

And all of the boys listened. They tried to listen to every detail, like Phil did for them, but they all began to get lost in their own thoughts.

Wilbur was angry about how this man could possibly do all of that to his father. Wilbur wanted to make the man pay.

Techno and Tommy's thoughts were similar, if Phil dealt with all of that and still struggles with it to this day, then where would they be in 20 years? Would they be struggling with their trauma still? Were they sentenced to live a life of panic attacks, dissociation episodes and suicidal thoughts?

Tommy didn't know how much more that he could handle.

After Phil was done sharing they all hugged, doing their best to support their father. He thanked them for listening and said he wanted some time to himself, which of course they let him have.

It was later that night that the other three were alone, spiraling within their own minds.

Tommy was thinking similarly to earlier, the depressing thought of what if he never got better. What if for the rest of his life he was stuck with the grief and hurt he feels now? He wasn't sure if he could deal with that.

Thoughts of suicide floated into Tommy's brain. He tried to ignore them, tried to think of his reasons why he had to stay alive but it was failing him. The idea of jumping off the same bridge that Liam did filled his brain. How sick and twisted would that be? Maybe an overdose would be a better idea.

Tommy wished for a moment that he was drunk, just so he didn't have to continue thinking about this. But he knew that he didn't want to get drunk again, and if the others found out about it he'd never hear the end of it.

Suddenly Tommy remembered that around Christmas time Dream had gifted Wilbur and Techno some weed, a couple of joints and some edibles. Of course they had to put it somewhere Phil wouldn't see, and Tommy heard Wilbur say he was going to put it in the library. So he slipped out of bed and began to sneak out of his room.

Tommy made his way downstairs as quietly as possible. Of course he didn't have to be quiet, he was allowed to go anywhere he wanted whenever, he just didn't want to wake someone up and have them question what he's doing. Tommy made his way all the way down to the library and pushed the door open.

Wilbur was standing in the middle of the library, and when Tommy opened the door he looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"Tommy! What are you doing?" Wilbur asked and Tommy looked at how Wilbur was hiding his hand behind his back. Hopefully he didn't just grab the weed.