So Sweet And So Bitter

II.

> Mingyu <

I watch his broad figure disappear into the hallway, wondering why the universe is testing my patience so much, other than asking myself how can a simple padded jacket fit someone so perfectly. I doubt it would look like that on me, It's more likely that I come off as a bear.

- - -

Until six years ago we were very close friends, we did everything together. We would have meals with each other, we would help each other, we would laugh with, and at each other.

We were each other's rock. Whenever needed we were there for the other. If the examinators scolded Wonwoo for his accent, I would later reassure him and help him improve it. If I ever felt under the weather he would hold my hand and smile at me.

I remember Seungcheol always complaining about Wonwoo's excessive possessiveness, he said that he was too attached to me. I used to love it when he reminded me of that, a little part of me always felt proud of it and it gave me kind of a reassurance.

Even my mom was happy that I had found such a good best friend at such a young age, she felt safer leaving me in Seoul knowing that we would take care of each other. And we did, so profoundly that later, when everything was gone I felt a void.

After the accident I no longer had my ears filled with the sound of his voice and laughter. I didn’t have him to hug me from behind anymore when things weren't going good. It took a bit to adjust to being so autosufficient again but now things are better.

Since everything went downhill he hasn't forgiven me. Now we're like strangers that know everything about each other.

I remember hearing him saying all those things to me that night, all those years ago.

* "Why didn’t you say anything?" He looks at me with pain in his eyes, unshed tears threatening to fall. I instinctly reach out to caress him but he takes a step back. I see him straining himself, trying to contain it inside, but all that effort becomes useless and he speaks, his words cutting through me. "It would have all gone differently if you would have just payed more attention, if you had cared a bit more, if you weren't so busy drinking and looking at girls" A pause.

I can't help the tears that start falling, they reach my mouth leaving a salty taste. The guilt and realization continue to seep in with each word. It was my fault. I could have stopped it from happening but I was too careless and clueless to. He stares at my glossy eyes, biting his lips in frustration. "Don't you dare cry. If it wasn’t for you-" His voice cracks and a little part of me does too.

He didn’t even raise his voice, but I could hear the agressiveness in it. I could feel his hate filling the air around us. I looked at him unable to catch a breath, to say something, to comfort him. Defending myself wasn’t even an option, how could I be so selfish when he was in this state. When Dino wasn’t here anymore.

Wonwoo was taking his glasses off, rubbing his eyes while looking down on the floor. I wanted to wrap him in my arms, but I found it impossible to reach out. Is this the way Dino wanted me to take care of him? I can't even wipe away his tears.

My hands falling to my sides, I exit the room. *

I had never heard him speaking his mind so clearly as that time. Words coming out of his mouth unfiltered had hit me like stones. The grief in his voice. The pain in his eyes.

It had hurt more than it should have.

Suddenly I felt like I had no one. I was friends with the other guys from Seventeen, but somehow it wasn’t the same. I hadn't even realized how emotionally dependent I was on him until he wasn’t there anymore. He had been my compass and in a moment I was lost.

Losing two people on the same day was more than depressing. At that time my debut felt like a curse. Sometimes the memories resurface and I can still hear him.

Now I'm used to his attitude. He doesn't talk to me unless necessary. It took a long time to force myself to accept the situation as it is. Early on I used to go back home earlier just to cry. I felt guilty for no reason and I felt like human trash, not deserving. It was horrible.

I can still feel the guilt deep inside, the missed opportunity, but it's closed and I try not to dwell on it too much.

I'm not saying I'll never forgive Wonwoo for making me feel the world and then one day taking away all the light inside of me with him, I'm not him. But I'm holding a little grudge, that I have the right to.

Not that I was the only one suffering. He was too grieving, so I should just move past it and act like an adult.

It's safe to say that I'm all good now, everything is in the past. Although there is a sliver of hope inside of me, looking for forgiveness and for a return to how it was, but every time we cross paths it somehow disappears. The negative energy radiating from his body towards mine when we interact could knock me out, infact I always find it extremely draining to stand or talk with him. And considering that I'm an extrovert it says a lot.

Well at least he doesn't act as if I don't exist.

- - -

As I go home I keep thinking about this new job. Me and Wonwoo as main leads in a bl drama. I don't know if I should be worried or what, but it surely was a surprise.

Does this mean we'll have to act as a couple and I'll have to kiss Wonwoo? I'm sure he would absolutely hate it. He would despise it that much that he'd be willing to leave the set only because of that. I can't help but laugh at the thought of how I'm gonna have so much fun.

Maybe I should start a lip care routine, as my sister always advised me saying that no one would want me if my lips felt like the surface of the Sahara desert. Now at least I have a reason to do it, I cannot risk being mocked and ridiculed by Wonwoo.

Deep down I can't help but think that it can go either bad bad or something in the middle of good and bad and I know I'm not ready for it.

- - -

When I arrive in the apartment I take a bottle of Soju out of the fridge and a glass from the top shelf of the kitchen. I sit on the sofa, putting some music on and watching the wall adorned with pictures. I open the bottle, feeling pathetic for drinking alone.

I feel the bitter liquid go down my throat, drowning my deepest thoughts that try to resurface.

If Dino had had the chance to grow up I bet he would have enjoyed drinking, he would have become one of those kids that enjoyed staying with the older ones, joking and telling stories.

I know that if he was here we would have occasionally spent our time like this, in between drinks and jokes, until one of us passed out.

He would have been 22 years old today. Even if it's a little lonely I drink alone, every sip I take is for him and with the hope of meeting him again one day in after life, so that get the chance to hug him and apologize for my missed promise.

× × × × ×

I know these chapters are pretty short, I'll try to write more.

P.s. writing Dino like this makes me so sad even though I know he's alive and healthy😭