So Sweet And So Bitter

XV.

As I'm sitting on the floor by Hoshi's bed, grateful for his visit, I sense Mingyu's foot steps in front of the door. I get up curious as to why he's still awake and I find him in the kitchen making himself hot chocolate.

"Do you want one?" He asks me as I come to stand right next to him. Relishing in the perfume of hot cocoa I nod.

My eyes begin to close as he adds milk and melts more chocolate, the sound of the stove slowly heating the liquid relaxes me to the point I might start sleeping. Mingyu continues to mix the milk and I feel the urge to get closer to him. I look at him with half-closed eyes, he's wearing a simple white t-shirt but it brings out his bronze skin tone and his toned body.

I almost let my head fall on his shoulder but I strain myself, feeling foolish for feeling like this with him. I'd like to say it's muscle memory or something like that, but I don't think it would make me feel any better about it. The warmth of his body, the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin, nothing could ever come close to it and I don't like the sound of that. His company is enough to soothe my breathing and relax my muscles, and I don't even notice it most of the time, let alone control it.

I don't understand how I let myself be dragged into this all over again, it feels like going back in time, when we didn't have a care in the world when everything that mattered was the present and each other's happiness.

I hate that I can't do anything about it, and I hate that deep down I don't want to do anything about it. I want to stay like this and the thought is eating me. I feel like a hypocrite, if it was so easy for me to start acting like this and to forget about everything then why did it take me so much, why did I have to be so dramatic and childish if all it took was a hug from him. I don't even know if my reason to blame him still stands, the more I think about it the more my mind fights against itself to defend him.

After all, we were young, so what if he didn't notice anything in Dino's voice that night when he answered the phone, would it really have changed anything? Would he still be alive if Mingyu had sensed something was wrong? He probably wouldn't... but how did he not sense it though?

My mind is conflicted with thoughts, and it only leaves me confused and lost. I just want to go to bed, fall asleep in his arms, and forget once again.

"Wonu?" I escape my trance to see Mingyu handing me the cup, his expression is worried but his lips are curled into a smile and I return it looking at him, a knot spreads from my chest to my throat, and a mix of emotions threatens to overwhelm me. I find myself unable to swallow the lump as I remember what my mother told me before passing. Even in her last words, she included Mingyu: "considerate, noble and good-hearted" is how she described him before lecturing me to not blow it off again. I haven't dared to think about her words, but now looking back and looking at Mingyu's shiny eyes watching me sip on the hot chocolate makes me want to drown in my tears.

"Can we go to bed?" I ask him, we're both finished anyway, and he nods. After brushing our teeth we go straight to his bedroom, he lays first and I lay next to him, my body in a fetal position and I wrap his hand around mine bringing it close to my chest. As my mind begins to shut down I feel a hand lingering above my face, the touch so light that is almost imperceptible, he brushes a strand of my hair away from my face and I relax under the touch, craving for his strokes.

He stops though and after sensing that he's not going to continue I open my eyes to find him staring at me, his body mirroring mine and his eyes, which are glossy because of the late hour, lingering on our connected hands.

"What is it?" I ask, not addressing the light touch he left on my skin.

He takes a minute to respond. "What if Hoshi sees us?" I forgot about that part... but I don't think Hoshi will, since he drank a bit he'll probably sleep until late.