Hidden and Silent (SpyxFamily)

Ch. 12: Part Five

       Demetrius' hands shook terribly.

His thoughts had frozen and the only working part of his body was his heart when it had jumped into his throat. He had become too relaxed. He'd let his guard down. It had been awful, objectively terrifying, one of the worst moments of his life. As the Desmond brothers walked silently down the side-walk, he still couldn't get his heart rate under control. His mind wrestled with the enormity of what had just happened and the twin thoughts of wishing to go back and un-say what he said, and glad that Damian finally knew. 

Having his secret out was like dropping a glass bottle of milk. When it was broken with shards scattered around the floor, the milk wasn't going back in. It spread across the floor where anyone could step in it. Demetrius was pretty sure Damian wouldn't say anything, not intentionally, but the thought sent him to the edge of a panic attack all the same. His heart became tight, his breathing uneven, and his hands shook so hard, he had to fist them and shove them in his pockets to hide it. Unfortunately, he had to use a hand to carry his kite and it wobbled slightly between his fingers. 

What did this mean now? Damian was reeling and confused about how he felt about this. But after that? What if Damian decided he did hate Demetrius? What if he eventually came to fear him, fear being around him? Damian had said he didn't hate Demetrius and he meant it, but how long would that last? Demetrius didn't think he'd ever have to worry about this. He'd planned to take his secrets with him to the grave. If Damian decided he did hate him—What would Demetrius do? He'd come to care for Damian more than he thought possible. He was the one person he had a real, positive relationship with. The one person he had ever let himself care about. An exception from the the rest of his life. What was the point of letting himself have this bit of normalcy if it would just be taken away from him?

Demetrius took an involuntary, unsteady breath.

Damian wouldn't come to hate him, would he? His little brother was literally the only thing that had kept him from throwing his entire life away multiple times. If only because he couldn't abandon him to their father. If Damian wanted nothing more to do with him. . .

Demetrius didn't want to go back. After letting himself get close with Damian, he didn't know if he could go back to being without him. But he knew he wouldn't be able to leave Damian to deal with their father on his own, either.

Damian didn't like Demetrius reading his mind. If he could learn to stay out of it, would that really be enough? Damian had become the only thing left in the world to light his way. He'd become a candle illuminating his dark path and if it was snuffed out. . .What else was left for Demetrius? He couldn't go back to stumbling about, lost. With nothing to compel him to keep going. He wouldn't want to. Nothing else was worth it. He couldn't deal with finally having a bit a light, only for it to be extinguished again. He'd rather let the darkness crush him like it had been trying to do since he was a kid.

He couldn't do it again.

Not after being free of it.

Not again.

"Demetrius?" Damian stopped, a hand reaching for him. "Why are you crying?!"

"Wh—" Demetrius touched a hand to his cheek and it came away wet. He quickly and aggressively swiped them away. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it." His voice was surprisingly strong. Neutral. But when he moved to continue walking, Damian grabbed his forearm.

"Wait! Demetrius! What's wrong?!"

"Ha." Demetrius huffed, forcing his usual disposition, his usual confidence to override his awkwardness and insecurities. "Nothing, it's nothing." He chuckled and ruffled Damian's hair, but he still didn't buy it. Damian held tightly to two of his fingers, a concerned and fearful, but somehow also irritated glare emanating from his eyes.

"No." He said firmly and Demetrius' easy smile wavered. "If it has something to do with me, you have to tell me! You can't—" Damian's voice caught. "You can't block me out too!" Damian wasn't an esper, but he was a lot better at picking up signals than Demetrius was without telepathy. Demetrius thought Damian was maybe overreacting, but his fears stemmed from a valid place. Anya had blocked him out after what happened at the lab and he was worried Demetrius was about to do the same thing. He was paranoid. No matter if it was Demetrius' insecurities that had caused him to keep secrets, Demetrius could decide that it was better to cut Damian out of his life. Demetrius was the only family Damian had contact with at the moment. If Demetrius kept him at arm's length, Damian was alone again. He had Ewen and Emile, but it wasn't the same.

Relief. Consuming assurance flooded Demetrius like jittery nerves after surviving an attempt on his life. The block in his throat was gone, the pressure building under his skull lessened, and his hands shook and chest rattled for a different reason.

Any negativity Damian might harbour for Demetrius would be heavily overshadowed by his desperate need for him.

He couldn't afford to hate Demetrius.

Demetrius had to keep it this way, he thought with frantic intensity and he repressed a shudder of raw nerves. He repressed the shake in his voice when he sighed, deceptively calm, and crouched in front of Damian. "You have nothing to worry about. Everything's fine." He said as convincingly and reassuringly as he could and he thought it could actually be true if it convinced Damian. "I was just happy. That's all." He lied with a soft smile and he felt his sincere attitude immediately quelling Damian's worries. "I'm not blocking you out. We're brothers after all. Nothing is more important to me." He said. Hopefully, Damian would take it to mean it should be the same to him. That he should rely on Demetrius more than anyone else and the thought took root in Damian's head like an ant making the beginnings of it's new home.

Demetrius' smile grew. Fondly and warmly.

Damian sighed and his hand slid from Demetrius' fingers, feeling reassured. "K. . ."

Demetrius stood once again and Damian's hand was enveloped in his own. They had stopped shaking. He felt in control again.

He would keep it this way, Demetrius thought. Damian would never want to leave him.

Ever.

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Authors Note: Hey guys. So unfortunately, I have run out of buffer chapters and I'm gonna take a break to build 'em back up again. I'll be back as soon as I can. Thanks for reading! :)

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