Hidden and Silent (SpyxFamily)

Chapter Nine

       Anya wasn't expecting anything after yesterday and when Demetrius extended his hand to walk her to the curb and wait with her for the bus, she could have cried as she took it. She could breathe. It felt like existing wasn't so hard and she never wanted to let go again. He was a safe place to take refuge when she was overwhelmed which was all the time lately.

Rain lightly pattered on the umbrella that Demetrius held over their heads and she didn't want to wonder what had changed since yesterday. He was here now and thinking about him not being around or how long he would put up with her stressed her out. She didn't want to think about it. She wanted to just take the comfort he was giving her now and believe it would stay this way.

Like she was wrapped in a warm cocoon, his hand encompassed her's and in a strange, not completely terrible way, it made her emotional for no reason in particular. Was it relief? Maybe it was everything coming up at once because she suddenly felt like it was safe to feel things.

The rain felt especially appropriate that morning and drizzled

sombrely as if trying to match Anya's mood. It was a little chilly and she didn't mind it. She could have stood there for hours, unmoving, holding Demetrius' hand. Feeling like she was lost in a single moment where she didn't have to move forward, but unable to discard the heavy weight that lay on her shoulders, despite trying not to think about everything that she didn't want to think about.

Where she could hold Demetrius' hand and believe he would never let go.

For the longest moments, a silence between the two afforded a loudness to the rain and Demetrius stood so still, watching it blankly. Waiting patiently, in his own world, like he wasn't really here with her. Anya wished he had the same pull towards her as she did for him, but she knew he didn't. He didn't need her they way she needed him. He only stood here because she was an esper, because she needed him. He had no real affection for her, she wasn't stupid, but she didn't care. As long as he was here. Though she wondered if that dead look on his face was because he'd rather be elsewhere, or if it was something else.

The silence could have reigned for five minutes or an hour, it all blurred together in Anya's mind as she listened passively to the rain. She wasn't sure of the reason Demetrius waited with her, and didn't until he finally spoke, the sound jarring after so long of a stillness.

"Hey." Demetrius said, breaking up the steady thrum of raindrops and he blinked like remembering he was here for a reason. He didn't look at her, his gaze still somewhat faraway, like he couldn't quite pull away from his thoughts. He took a deep breath and let it out as if resigning himself to something. "You remember what I said?" Demetrius issued randomly.

"What you said?"

"That you should do what you want." He looked to some distant point off in the rain, delving into a conversation she wasn't prepared for. Or expecting. "You've been dodging everyone and acting like you're committing a great sin or something, but it's not like the universe cares." Demetrius said and Anya stiffened and stared at her shoes. Why was he saying this all of a sudden? "No one does besides our parents." He added. "They told us how to live, but who says we have to listen?"

"But—" Anya said, taken by surprise at his abrupt lecture.

"If we are so "special", we should be able to break the rules and the consequences be !@#$$%." He swore. "Other people made us this way, they can go ahead and deal with it." He said bitterly.

"But—"

"Look." He sighed exasperated. "You think our fathers know what it's like to be an esper? They don't. Why should they get to decide how we live? They made us like this. It wasn't our choice, and now because were espers we have to live a certain way. But we have our own lives, our own minds. We should get to decide wether we do or not.

"But everyone else. . ."

"What, you think they have to walk on eggshells just to avoid hurting people like we would? They may not be like us, but people hurt each other all the time. Ours might come in a different form, but it's really not any different. What did the director tell you? That. . .you had to stay with him forever because all you'll do is cause pain in the real world?"

Anya said nothing.

"Well. . .he was partially right. You'll cause pain, but so does everyone else." He repeated and looked pointedly down at her, then, face hinting at something bitter and angry. "He told you that because it's better for everyone else. Not for us." He said. "Our parents shouldn't get to decide how we live." Demetrius said, his absolute conviction in this idea swaying Anya. "We should."

And as if Demetrius had just shot cannon fire at her fortress of logic, it careened into a tower and stone crumbled to the ground. She looked up at him, suddenly balancing on a beam of doubt, uncertain.

"But. . ." She said and had nothing to say. What he said wasn't wrong. She couldn't refute it. " But. . ." She looked at her feet, trying to understand how to process this.

"I don't get why this is so hard for you, but you can't seriously think you can go on this way. You're going to shrivel up in that room of your's and die without doing anything."

"But my parents—" That was right. No matter if Demetrius wasn't exactly wrong, no matter how assured he was of his own beliefs, she couldn't forgive herself for what happened at the lab. She didn't want to be the cause of something like that again.

"Oh. The electrocution." Demetrius had heard about it from her parent's minds then. "You can't think that was your fault, do you? That was the director's fault. And your parents made a choice to be there. None of that is on you."

"But—"

"No. You're just wrong on this one." Demetrius said, sounding almost annoyed, and Anya blinked up at him as the bus appeared, turning a corner onto their street. "You're overthinking everything. Just go be a kid. You're freaking Damian out, which means I have to deal with it."

"What?" She said. Was that why his speech made so much more sense than last time? Why his thoughts seemed much more fleshed out and planned?

"Yeah. See?" Demetrius said flatly. "You avoiding everyone is hurting them. So stop it or Damian's going to keep bugging me about it."

"Wh—"

"There's the bus. Go." Standing still, Demetrius reached out his hand holding her's, issuing her forth.

"But—"

"Shoo." He waved his now free hand at her.

Taken aback, Anya stared at him for a long moment with a foot on the first step before climbing her way up. She was in daze, walking down the aisle as she kept an eye on Demetrius, and he stuck his hand in a pocket. Her parents weren't here to wave her off and she was struck by the notion that Demetrius had somehow convinced them to leave Anya with him out in the open. Maybe they were hidden nearby.

Soon after the bus pulled away, she sat back in her seat, contemplating their conversation. She felt like a box of carefully organized crayons that had been shaken up. Disoriented and confused. Out of sorts, Anya didn't even know how think through everything Demetrius just said, how to rectify it with everything she did know, and she found herself startled when the bus stopped, staring at the seat's back in front of her. Anya didn't remember the ride to school.

As Anya alighted from the bus and caught sight of her classmates, she slowed taking the last step. They were here again and bickering like last time. It was a more controlled version, with conversational tones and the same hostile words.

Anya came off the bus and something was different. She watched them and though she was filled with knots and an uncomfortable, anxious crawl on her skin, it didn't overpower the new feeling of doubt that plagued her thoughts. It was distressing she couldn't discern what was what.

Still arguing and almost like Anya's presence was passingly observed, Damian, his friends, and Becky turned to leave, not giving her the barest of glances. So invested in their bickering, they naturally came to walk on either side of Anya, taunting their frenemy around her.

Anya barely heard any of it, lost in a labyrinth of what she thought she knew and what Demetrius had told her.