What You Know

9.

Chapter 9 | What you don't know 

'It's okay to still cry over things you thought you'd moved past.'

I am just going to put an extra TW, I know I said I wouldn't but these next two chapters are going to be quite emotionally heavy so just look after yourself lovelies <33

ANTONIA (TONY) SMITH

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I opened the door to my home and walked in, I'd seen mum's car but dad still wasn't home from work so I headed straight to my room and I opened Pinterest.

I sat on my bed, my back leaning against the headrest and my knees tucked to my chest. I took my phone from my pocket and I opened Pinterest scrolling through my feed when I started to see a lot of pins of women at the beach in their bikini and I looked down at me and saw my stomach rolls.

I ignored the bad thoughts in my head, I was getting better this can't happen now. I keep scrolling Pinterest and I start to see outfit inspiration and I see a lot of gorgeous girls with abs basically no fat on their stomach and I miss the way I looked.

My recovery body just looks so bad, I looked so gorgeous last year and I felt sad but I feel horrible now that I'm recovering and I don't even look hot in a bikini anymore. I have faint ab lines but last year they were so gorgeous and visible and my tummy was so flat. 

I think about what I ate last year and I could probably start to eat maybe 2,000 calories of salads and healthy food. I would look better and still be getting in my calories. I could survive off that and I could start to go back to working out. I mean Vito is right. I don't want to be scared to miss out on things and I want him to stare at me the way I did at him today.

I want to look gorgeous and I want to be happy with the way I look again. I want to be liked by boys. I don't want to be the ugly friend anymore. No-one says it because I'm in recovery but I know it. I'm not skinny like Grace and I don't have such perfect face features as Gabby.

I stand up going to look in the mirror and I turn to the side and I can see the bulge in the front of the joggers where my stomach is. When the fat down by my uterus goes out and I suck in my stomach and my abs are more visible. I look so much better that way.

I need to start eating less. I can't keep eating this much. It's February, nearly March I need to look better by June or July and I'll need to start eating just plain salads and some fruit. Not too much of that though. They still have calories in but water doesn't so I need to stop drinking squash and I can look so much better. I just need to do something.

I sit back on my bed, I scroll tiktok for healthy recipes and I can't find one that doesn't have a bunch of protien and calories so I decide I can just take a banana and claim at not being hungry because I had a big breakfast and then I can skip breakfast. I can lie and they'll believe me. They might believe me.

I play my music on shuffle and the first song that plays is 'Locked out of heaven.' by Bruno Mars. I want to be the girl he's singing about. I want a guy to like me like that. I want a guy to feel so good and he says 'Her sex takes me to paradise.' How can I be that girl when I'm so fat now? I can't, exactly.

I think about what I ate today and everything is okay apart from the pasta, there must be so many calories in that. I don't even know how many calories because I didn't make it. The pasta was round Vito's when I revised today. 

I walk to the bathroom and I kneel over the toilet. I have an en-suite bathroom so my mum won't be able to hear me or walk in on me easily.

I take a deep breath and shove my fingers down my throat. In the end I manage to vomit and I flush the toilet and then wash my hands. I head downstairs and grab a glass of water. Heading back to my room I brush my teeth and I take small sips of the water.