Urgent

Chapter 16

I went back to the dormitory in the afternoon. Tris doesn't join, wanting to spend more time with Christina and Will before heading to sleep. Or maybe she just doesn't want to me near me, which is very probable. I'm not exactly Tris' favorite person. 

When I reach the dorms though, I'm not alone. I find Al, sitting alone, staring at the spot where the chalkboard with our rankings had been. Four had taken it to calculate the scores for the first stage. 

'You okay?' I ask softly, taking a seat beside Al. He shakes his head, and he looks quite upset. I haven't seen him like this before. It's strange - alarming even. 'Your parents were looking for you,' I look at Al, who has a sad smile on his face. 'Did you not want to see them?' 

It's clear that he's aware they came - so that could be the only reason for him not seeing his parents, but it still doesn't seem right. Al hasn't told me much about his family, but I could tell he loves them. He'd be stupid not to. 

'Didn't want them to ask how I'm doing,' confesses Al, avoiding my eyes and instead keeping his eyes trained on his huge feet. 'I'd have to tell them, and they would know if I was lying.' I scrunch up my face. It must be horrible having parents who are like lie-detectors - but at least he had parents. 

I may or may not be bitter. 

'Well...' I struggle to think of something to say. I have never been good at comforting other people - I'm too blunt. 'What's wrong with how you're doing?' 

Al laughs harshly, and I realize I have made a mistake. Asked a stupid question. 

'I've lost every fight since the one with Will. I'm not doing well.' 

'Yeah,' I agree, nodding my head, 'but by choice.' It makes a massive difference, because otherwise he would be ranking second, if not first. 'Couldn't you tell them that, too?' He shakes his head, dismissing the idea immediately. 

'Dad always wanted me to come here,' says Al. 'I mean, they always wanted me to stay in Candor, but that's only because that's what they're supposed to say.' Al looks quite distressed - it's concerning. 'They've always admired the Dauntless, both of them. They wouldn't understand if I tried to explain it to them.'

'Oh.' I scrunch up my nose - trying and struggling to think of something to say. It's difficult to comfort someone, when I have absolutely no experience. 'Is that why you chose Dauntless? Because of your parents?' I wonder if I've said the wrong thing as Al shakes his head. 

'No. I guess it was because... I think it's important to protect people. To stand up for people. Like Beatrice did for you.' He smiles at me. He has a contagious smile, and I have to fight my own smile. 'That's what the Dauntless are supposed to do, right? That's what courage is. Not... hurting people for no reason.' 

And he's right. Being Dauntless meant being brave, not hurting others as Al mentioned. That doesn't seem like bravery. Jumping of trains and shooting guns isn't bravery. It's all so superficial and I hate it. I wish I could've been here when teamwork was still a Dauntless value. Maybe I would've turned out different - become a better person. Now... 

'It'll be better once initiation is over,' I say. It's more reassurance to myself rather than him. Because the entire statement feels like a lie on my tongue. 

'Too bad I might come in last,' Al says, before sighing softly. 'I guess we'll see tonight.' 

Once again, I attempt to comfort him - but I can't find the right words. I can never find them. I opt for silence instead. It's much better than my awkward attempts at speaking. It's comforting in its own sense. There's a sort of peace in the silence.