Under Control.

chapter thirty two.

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'How's Colleen?'

Julian knows exactly what it is that Nora is doing, even if he hadn't fully realised until just now that she knew as much about his situation as it appeared she in fact did.

He didn't know she knew names. And if she knew that, he had to wonder what else she might have heard, besides.

'We broke up.'

He's not sure if she is trying to hurt him, or herself, or if she just wants to remind them both about how they ended up here. But in any case, he lets her. He lets her do whatever it is she wants, because he knows he owes her that, at least.

Nora finishes her drink and pours herself another, this time without offering him any. She fills her glass, takes a mouthful, breathes, and then says, half-heartedly, 'I'm sorry.'

What Julian wants to ask is, Are you, though? Are you really, or are you just saying that? Do you care? About her, about me, or about us? How do you know her name? Why? What do you see when you look at me, now? Is there any love left? But instead of all or any of that, all he manages in return is just a meek, 'Thanks.'

There's a hum of Albert still in the air — not just his awkward mediation, but the sound of him leaking in from the other room. He sounds happy, and far away. And maybe that's because happy is far away from this room, the one with the two of them in it.

In this room, there is only silence, and weighted gazes, and wondering, breaking hearts. There is the two of them, and the debris that surrounds them — that follows them each from day-to-day, room-to-room. And, there is the question of how they might get past this.

Or, if they even can.

'Nora,' Julian starts and means to say one thing — to be brave — but then he sees her and the way she's looking through him, and so at the last second he changes his mind. 'This job, this office job—'

'It's fine, Julian,' she says back to him, almost before he's finished getting the words out.

Nora doesn't want to talk about this. She doesn't like that he can see her, still — see who she is, what she wants and what she doesn't. And so in the face of everything and him as well, Nora decides to be the brave one, and she decides to do it in such a way that's far from how Julian wants things to be.

'I tried so fucking hard to hate you, you know? So hard.' The wine has begun to taste bitter on Nora's tongue, her mouth dry all of a sudden. 'I didn't do anything to deserve that from you, Julian. All I did, was try. And in return, you made up stories about me in your own head. Because evidently you don't respect me enough to believe that I'm capable of knowing what I want, or to believe me when I tell you that I love you.'

Nora words, so soft and steady and sure as they are, are a sucker-punch to the heart. And in the end, it's the, 'I love you,' present tense, that breaks him.

Julian takes a breath, shaky but deep, and blinks hard at the sudden tide burning behind his eyes. And when he opens his mouth again, he can only say the second thing he thinks of, first.

'I respect you. More than you know — more than almost anyone.'

Nora doesn't believe him, and Julian can see that and it hurts. It pains him, and he wants nothing more than to be able to just get her to trust him, again. But he knows that trust will take time, and so instead of trying for that now, what he says in return is the first thing he had wanted to say, second.

'You still love me?' His words are barely there, but they both hear him. They both know.

Nora stares at him — at the crumpled, boozy mess that he is — takes a breath and a sip of her drink, and then she lets him have what's left of her.