Under Control.

chapter fifty five.

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When Julian arrives back at Nora's apartment for the second time in as many days, it's not quite so dark as it was the first time he was here. Not inside, or out.

There's a lurking shadow in the hallway shaped like the neighbour who Nora's baseball bat — that which Julian had been so kindly reminded of, last night — was named after. But other than that, there is only calmness. And that is welcome.

The door is ajar and he wants to say something about it but in the end he doesn't, because Nora is straight out of the shower, all pink and steamy, and she's wearing a shirt of his he'd thought he's lost and nothing else, and the sight of her like she is makes Julian's brain short circuit.

'Hey,' He says finally, once the door is shut firmly behind him and he's managed to remember how to move his tongue. Julian is freshly showered himself and damp for new and less sticky reasons than he was before. 'You get a rum and coke thrown in your face, too?'

He's trying to make a joke and prod at the nerves churning around in his gut that he knows are well placed. He knows that they just mean he cares enough to make sure that it all works out this time, and that Nora forgives him. The nerves are there because he more than just cares — it's all because he loves her.

'I'm sorry,' Nora gives a little smile-shaped grimace as she pads over to him, coming to a stop just under his nose. 'You didn't have to come back.'

What Nora is trying to say is, 'You've had a long day, you could have stayed at home, I would have understood.' But the nature of this thing between them and the fragility of it is such that, until they find their footing again, nothing was going to come out sounding quite the way it was meant to.

'I can go, if you want?' Julian is skinned alive just for a second, a raw nerve standing in the emptiness of her living room. 'I just wanted to make sure you were, you know, alright.'

There's a rush of vulnerability about him then, and Nora has never seen Julian look quite like he does in this moment. He's laid bare, and he's done it to himself because he cares. And even though she never actually wanted him to leave in the first place, she definitely doesn't want him to go, now.

'I don't want you to go,' Nora says, soothing Julian's frayed self with a gentle touch of her hand on his. 'I just meant, you know — long day. You could've called. Or, I'll be here tomorrow. I just meant you didn't have to feel like I was going to disappear if you didn't come back tonight, is all.'

With that and the little quirk between her brows that Julian knows means she's scared, he sighs, then gathers her up in his waiting arms. 'I'm always a little scared of that,' he murmurs into the mass of her damp hair, 'that you'll disappear.'

'Me too.' Nora mumbles back, her words warm and sweet against the column of his neck where her face is buried. She feels small in his embrace, but she likes it that way. Because like this, she feels safe, surrounded and enveloped by him.

Nora is terrified of all that Julian means to her and what they are together. But as well, she knows that she's safe with him. And in a way, that was why last night had hurt so much as it did — because for all of the mess that lay between them, the one thing she's always been sure of, is that.

Julian had hurt her more that any other person in the world. But what was true just as much was that all he times he had, he'd ended up hurting himself more. When he'd cheated, it was because he didn't believe that she could love him. And when he'd let her go, it was because he didn't want to cause her any more turmoil than he already had. And so when he'd sung those songs for her last night, he had believed that he was telling her something true.