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When Julian writes the words later, he realises that they finally managed it, in the end — to love each other, without fear or consequence.
And so it hurts, but he's glad. Because she loves him and he loves her and it will always be, even if they're gone from this place.
Even if home moves across town, or upstate, or around the world. Even if they don't speak for months or years, or if they change, or if all they get to have of each other ever again, is goodbye.
Even if, it'll still be enough. Because for a while, it was everything.
"Go your separate way now
Someday you'll come back
And I'll be dreaming I was sunburned..."
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Of a morning — every morning they count down until goodbye — there's a beat before eyes have opened when the sting seeps in.
It rears up at other times too, tugging at heartstrings out of nowhere. But the mornings are when it hurts the most, before minds have woken yet to whirring and settling into place all of the strange little deals they've agreed to about how best to be.
The door is locked and they barely leave and he touches her all the time, as much as he can.
He kisses her awake, and then trails her into the bathroom and drinks her up under the rain of the shower, determined to remember how it feels to be alongside her, like this, for always.
She laughs when she washes his hair just so she won't weep, and then she lets him grin sadly at her in the mirror while they both brush their teeth and pretend like nothing has changed, and everything is just the same as it ever was.
They chat over coffee like they're not running down the clock, and they kiss some more, and sometimes fuck, just because. Because they can, and they're good at it — at loving one another, finally — and, because they're almost out of time.
They make lunch, and ignore the phone. They're not home, not if anyone asks. They're gone, because this is their place alone and it's not real, even though it's the only thing that has ever truly been.
One day, they desecrate the kitchen bench. And it's not the first time, but it will probably be the last. And then, after that, all bets are off. They love each other everywhere, all over — the sofa, the wall by the door, in the window; the shower, the bed, on the floor in the hall. They're greedy for it, and desperate to remember. And so they steal everything of the other they can manage and tuck it away to keep as a memento for when it's all gone.
Sometimes, they order dinner in. And on other nights, they make it.
If it's the latter, Julian watches, committing to memory the fact that, for while, he got to have her like this, and a life where dinner wasn't a threat, too. A life that was happy, and where everything could be good.
And, if it's the former, they eat together on the sofa with Nora's feet tucked into his lap, no one plate belonging to anyone, and they talk. Just, talk.
When it started, all of it this between them, it was the two of them amongst the rest. But now, here, it was just them. Them, in their home — the one that they have made together — talking about how it'll be when one of them is gone.
Nora tells Julian about the new place — the one that will be hers, alone. And he listens, then he tells her what he wants her to take — everything and anything she wants or needs. And they do this in bursts, letting their new life apart, sink in.
To do it all at once would be too much, but the sharing of it is still important because this isn't the end of it all. It's just a full stop in a bigger story filled with paragraphs, made up of sentences and letters, and pauses that aren't endings.
Neither of them knows how it all ends, yet. Just how it ends for now. And that's by Julian leaving first one day, and with neither of them saying goodbye.
They spend the daylight on each other hidden away in bed, and only emerge into the world again once the sun has slipped away. And then she walks him to the door, her body that has only just parted from his clad in a shirt she intends to steal, and they kiss until there's no time left.
And that's goodbye.
When Julian comes back again, Nora will be gone. And with her, she'll have taken half of their home away to the seaside. But behind, she'll leave the painting — the forget-me-nots — and half of all of their pictures, her shampoo, and the sheets that still linger with her and them together. And that'll be another goodbye.
Not forever, but just for now.
Not an ending, just a new beginning, and a life that's possible only because they made it together, and taught each other how to be.
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When she hears the words later, Nora realises that it was worth it — all of it, their life lived up and down, and all around, together.
It hurts, but it's real, because she loves him still and she always will. And they're both okay, despite it all, because they taught each other how to love.
And so, it was worth it — every last little bit of it. Because who she is, is because of him, and so is he.
For a while, it was everything. And for always, it will be.
"I don't wanna break your heart in
Break your heart in two halves
Keep one half and give one half to me..."
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Penultimate.
Nearly there.
Also, please don't hate me. It's not done yet!
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YOU ARE READING
Under Control.
Fanfiction// The story of a girl who wants to disappear, and the boy who sees her. The story of a boy who wants to run away, and the girl who wants to make him stay. The story of two friends in love, and the messy road to being unafraid. // Up on a hill, here...
