Under Control.

chapter forty seven.

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Nora's still not used to being seen — not by jealous girls, not by swooning guys, and not by strangers with cameras either, who mistakenly think that she's worth looking at just because she's with him.

Julian doesn't much like it all himself, and Nora knows that. But when they're in a swarm and everyone's drunk and the only thing left to do is to play along and try to live up to the idea that people have formed of him in their collective imagination, Nora still has trouble keeping up.

Her making NME and the Post has come up in more than one informal meeting at work over the past few months, and people generally know more about her private business than Nora would prefer. And all of that is because her boyfriend is the famous frontman of the biggest band in the city, and so in a way, it can't be helped. But so much of Nora being good at what she does is reliant on her being able to be invisible, and subtle, and being preceded by her own reputation but not lead by it. And so even though it's not his fault, private was not Julian's life — and especially not lately.

So more than the hangers-on or the touring or the empty space left beside Nora in bed most nights, the incompatibility of their individual lives was increasingly becoming an immovable object in their way. And here and now, tonight, as they make their stumbling way through the crush of bodies and flashes and wanting yelps to slip into the nearest cab, Julian grabs for Nora's hand, and sees the unmistakable glean of worry lurking in her icy grey eyes.

Most of the time, the only reason he can bear to deal with any of this at all, is because he knows he has Nora to shelter with away from it. And so it's been that, and the booze, that he's been using to shave off all the pointy edges with, of late. That's what's been keeping him steady, and sane. And he knows that it's unfair, and a lot of pressure, too. But Julian has been showing up for Nora as well, he thinks, and he's been trying harder to make it work with her than he has with anyone else, ever before.

And so as they dive together through the flashing lights and into the safety of their waiting cab, the idea that he still might not be enough for her is terrifying to Julian.

And it sends a shiver of something ominous right through him.

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In the dark, Nora and Julian come alive.

In the dark, it's just the two of them away from prying eyes. It's just him and her, their love, and everything that's been weighing on it too, no matter how hard they might try to chase it all away.

The apartment is all shadows and tawdry whispers from downstairs, these days. But in the daylight, Nora had helped Julian to put his half together, and amongst all the mess that was him, it did feel like a home. And it was even more so with Nora in it. That which was also why Julian had been meaning, for so long, to ask her to stay.

He keeps making plans to say something, but it's never the right time, or he can't find the words. He'd meant to ask her over breakfast this morning, and dinner tonight. But then, he didn't. He wanted just to blurt it out in the cab on their way home, but he got spooked by the faraway look in her eye, and so he didn't. He almost asks her while he's unlocking the front door, but he doesn't, and then again while she's standing in the dark entryway hanging up her coat, but again, it's not right.

He's a coward, and he doesn't ask, because he wants her — Nora always, them together, and a life with her in it — but, he's scared. And so when she looks at him up now with wide eyes full of questions, he kisses her instead.

Instead of talking, Julian kisses the clothes from Nora's body and leaves them in a messy pile tangled with his own on the floor, and then he watches her come undone underneath his loving mouth.