A Journey Through Time

Chapter 44 ~ Getting to the Root of How I Feel

I tried this exercise to help me break down why I'm feeling the way I feel. I know that's how I've been feeling isn't healthy, but no matter what I do, these feelings persist. I want to get to root of my emotions so that I'm addressing what it is they are trying to tell me.

What is the problem or insecurity?

- Not knowing who I am and how to express myself authentically.
- Not feeling comfortable with my identity and appearance, lacking confidence and self esteem.

- Fear of expressing true feelings to others
- Loneliness and a desire for someone to talk to about unexpressed emotions.
- Trauma from past bullying affecting the ability to heal and be open with people.
- A desire to hide emotions, push people away, and cry in private.

- Difficulty accepting myself for who I am.
- A strong desire to change and not be an insecure, introverted person.
- Frustration over the perceived inability to change.
- Self-doubt and a sense of something being wrong with me.
- A yearning to be a better, more confident person.
- Self-hatred due to a lack of confidence and authenticity around people.
- Self-criticism for not reaching out to friends and self-isolating.
- Frustration over not knowing and accepting myself.
- Inner conflict about feeling sad and not practicing gratitude.

- Struggles with self-discipline and personal development.
- Knowing what needs to be done but not taking action.
- Avoiding sleep as a coping mechanism or distraction.
- Feeling like a disappointment in personal and professional aspects

Where is the problem or insecurity coming from?

- verbal abuse (being called stupid, ugly, lazy)
- bullying
- emotional neglect (emotions not taken seriously)
- rejection from friends, romantic relationships, and family
- constant criticism
- chronic stress
- lack of social support (never having many friends)
- introversion and high sensitivity
- depression
- persistent negative self-talk

Am I willing to see this problem or insecurity differently? Am I willing to treat myself and my insecurity with love?

What ultimately destroys my fears is taking action. And action helps motivate me and push me in the right direction.

I have been able to change. Before, I used to feel awful about myself, beat myself up, and not do anything else about it. Now I am more self aware of thoughts and feelings and I'm actively addressing them as supposed to ignoring them. The only reason why I'm frustrated is because I'm used to myself growing at a certain pace. I just need to be more patient with myself.

I am a human being that goes through emotions like fear and sadness. I'm a human with flaws. I am not perfect and I make mistakes. But I'm also a human capable of growth and change. If I'm going through something where I'm not meeting the standards I set for myself, I need to slow down and figure out the cause of my dissatisfaction. Maybe a need is unfulfilled. Maybe the expectation is too unrealistic and I need to make the task easier.

I have to remember that I am enough. Most of the struggle comes from not reaching the standards that me or my family sets for me. I beat myself up when I don't perform to those standards. But I have to be willing to allow myself to fail. I'm not going to be perfect. There is a possibility that I'm not going to be a good friend, and that I'm not going to grow as fast as I'd hoped. I'm going to disappoint others and myself from time to time. But I also have to remember that I'm only human. I'm not going to be perfect. I'm going to have negative emotions and be clueless about life. I'm going to have some flaws, and some of them are going to be things I can't change. But I need to embrace flaws that are inherently a part of me, and try to grow from flaws I can't fix. I can always learn from my mistakes. I can always bounce back from my failures. I may not be where I want to be right now, but that doesn't mean I will never be able to get there. I just need to be patient with myself.

I will try my best to continue to be self aware and catch myself when I have a fear, an insecurity, or a negative thought running through my head. I will also try my best to allow myself to feel it, and address it.