The Keeper

Why He's Still With His Wife

Dear M

Happily married? That's a rare thing, isn't it? No. The truth is, with no baby and with Kristina mostly recovered from the trauma of losing one, I knew it would be better if we went our separate ways. The more time we spent together, the less it seemed we had in common. She wanted a big house in the suburbs, ideally (I stood my ground to nix that) near her parents. I wanted to be in the countryside and to travel. But every time I tried to leave, she would become hysterical and say I had ruined her life and would make it even worse if I left. A few years ago, we were on holiday in Spain and getting along better than normal. As we were eating out one night, I told her I thought it was best for both of us if we went our separate ways. She seemed very calm then, and I thought it might actually work out. The last few days of the holiday were fine and as we took the ferry home, I felt like my life was about to start again. Two days later, I came home from school to find her in bed with a bottle of painkillers and half a bottle of gin gone. I drove her straight to the hospital, her stomach was pumped, and she was fine. That was the last time we talked about separation. She wouldn't let me have what I wanted – my freedom – and I wouldn't give her what she wanted either. There was no way I was going to be a father to another baby. She insists on a pretence of domestic bliss whenever her parents, or anyone else, come round. To the outside world it seems as if we are a normal married couple, but inside the house it is different. I have been sleeping on the sofa bed in the lounge for years!

I guess I got used to a new kind of normal, and it is scary how quickly the years fly by. Robert says I have a 'childish sense of responsibility'. (He would tell you it all goes back to my childhood, but that's another story.) He has tried to talk to me about it, but since I was adamant that things weren't going to change, I always shut him down and talked about something else.

Our lives have become pretty much separate. I get out of the house whenever I can and she has her circle of friends. As I write this, it reminds me how terrible the situation is. I've been distancing myself from it in my mind, though in my life it is oppressively close.

D