SET ME FREE, ᵍʳᵉʸˢ ᵃⁿᵃᵗᵒᵐʸ¹

⁵ˣ¹⁸. ˢᵗᵃⁿᵈ ᵇʸ ᵐᵉ

season five, episode eighteen

alison was looking at the or board seeing bailey have a pen in her hand, "hey, did you move my surgery?" she questioned when seeing the chief walking away, "chief, chief?"

"don't, just don't," miranda told alison who furrowed her eyebrows, "he's a wreck, he's disintegrating before our eyes, that's why men die earlier than women," miranda stated as alison looked at the or board, "the board's a mess,"

alison shook her head, "he can't lose shepherd, i'd go talk some sense into him, but i've got too much on my plate," miranda said as alison looked at her, "have you tried calling him?"

miranda looked at her fellow surgeon, "about one hundred times," she said as the brunette headed ortho surgeon ran a hand through her hair, "mm, no, oh, you—" dr bailey looked at alison, "you want me to go to the woods? no, no,"

"what am i gonna say? we barely speak," alison admitted as miranda looked at her, "you don't have to talk to him, you're surgeons, been through the same war, just remind him we've all been there, we all came back," alison sighed after miranda finished, "you're kind of a bully, you know that?"

miranda smiled, "i wouldn't do it if it didn't work so well," she concluded spinning on her heel and walking away.

____

"derek,"

the thomas female surgeon ran a hand through her hair letting out a breath coming towards derek's suv van seeing the surgeon sipping on a beer, "a little early in the day for that, don't you think?" she questioned him, "you sound like my mother," derek said to her.

"i have met your mother. i liked her," she said sitting down on the spare deck chair, "who sent you, richard?" derek questioned her as alison shook her head, "no, bailey,"

"of course,"

derek sipped more of the drink, "look, i'm sorry about your patient, i know how hard it can be, i had a patient a couple of years ago—" she started to say, "—uh young guy, fifty maybe, simple knee replacement, he was post-op, he was fine," she continued, "i even told his wife, she could get him lunch, a simple knee replacement, nothing,"

she lets out a breath, "but uh i put him on blood thinners for a post-surgical pe, and uh— it wasn't until he was vomiting up dark blood, looking me in the eye, telling me that he was dying that i figured it out," she told derek, "that i was wrong, that it wasn't a pe, he was bleeding internally, it wouldn't have been fatal, but the blood thinners.." she looked off into space, "god, i will never forget the look ok his wife's face when she came back with that sandwich in her hand, asking me why her husband wasn't in his room anymore," she said looking down to her fingers thinking about that time, "how do you live with it?"

derek asked him, "killing him, taking him from his wife, how do you live with it?" alison's eyes started to get teary, "we call it an malpractice—" she started to say, "i know, i'm asking when you get up in the morning, how do you look at yourself in the mirror?"

derek looked at the ortho surgeon, "look, i'm not— i'm asking," he admitted as alison couldn't say anything, "can i get one of those?" derek nods his head, "yeah,"

he handed a new beer can to the thomas female who sipped on the beer that was in her hand.

____

owen had tried to come and bring back shepherd and alison but just happened to join the pair in drinking their sorrows away, "what the hell is this? this is not ok," richard said looking at the three of them, "i have a hospital to run, and derek! what's the matter with you, man? we've all been there,"

"we said that," alison said, "we've all had tough losses," richard continued to say, "he knows that," owen said.

the thomas female played with her fingers, "we show up the next day and we try and save the next life," richard said to them, "we covered that too," alison said when derek leaned forwards, "ok, what about this?"

richard looked at the three surgeons, "nothing we do can stop death, we can hold it at bay now and then, but everyone dies," richard said to them, "and that's not on us,"

alison's brown eyes went between derek and their chief, "i took a pregnant women in for a simple surgery, and i botched it," derek told them, "that is on me, i should feel badly about that, and you? you should feel badly that while i was out here, you sent meredith out here expecting a ring, why would you do that?"

"why in god's name would you do that?" derek said looking to their chief of surgery, "i was trying to help," richard told the neurosurgeon, "she didn't wanna come, she wanted to leave you out here alone..i was trying to help, derek," richard admitted.

derek looked at the man, "trying to help yourself, not me, yourself," he said to the man, "i hid the ring in the woods, in the woods," he set down his beer can, "you destroyed me," derek stated when opening his suv van and then slamming it close behind him.