Silent Pain

Chapter 17

I followed Eric back to his office. I found it a bit odd calling the doctor by his first name but I went along with it. His office didn't have that typical doctors off feel to it. Instead of the usual white - off white colors they tend to use he went with blue. The decor he chose made the room more inviting and comfortable. He didn't have the usual couch across from a desk. As a matter of fact he had just a small desk off to the corner which he didn't even use during our session. I guessed it was for him to work at when he wasn't with his patience.
He had leather recliners a love seat and a couch. He let me choose where I wanted to sit then took his cue from there. "Go ahead and make yourself comfortable. We'll begin when you are ready."
I chose the recliner and tucked my feet under me when I sat down. "This is different."
"I don't believe in doing therapy sessions the conventional way. I found that most people find it easier to talk to someone when they are comfortable and relaxed. I also won't force a conversation out of you."
I looked down at my hands. Why did I find it so hard to talk to him? I've been through this before I know the process. He handed me one of those fidget toys. Not the spinner but something to keep my hands busy.
"Here, I found that these tend to help. Sometimes they relax you."
"Thank you." I gave a slight smile.
"Would you find it easier if I started? I have some patience who do."
"I think I would, yes."
"Okay, so why don't you tell me what brings you here to see me today?"
"You don't know?"
"I only have a vague understanding."
"Nathan didn't tell you?"
"Not everything. He just mentioned you were previously in therapy for something in your past but you had stopped going. He said it wasn't his story to tell, which I won't argue with. It seems everyone is worried enough to want you back into therapy. So what happened?"
"I honestly came here today because I'm being forced. I left therapy as I felt it wasn't necessary anymore. It was my choice."
"It absolutely is your choice. What happened that has those around you concerned?"
"Nothing specific. They just didn't agree with my decision."
"Do they maybe have a reason to question it?"
"My best friend said he worries because of what happened the last time I stopped going."
"Okay, now how about you share his concerns with me?"
"Why? So you can agree with him?"
"Maybe, but maybe not. But I can't steer you in the right direction unless I know everything."
I took a deep breath. He was right. I just hated talking about this. "The last time I decided I no longer needed therapy he found me unconscious on the floor when he showed up to my house. I had overdosed on some pills. He got there and got me help just in time. Now he thinks it'll happen again."
"I can understand his concern."
"I can to and I get it but..."
"But what?"
"It's different now. I'm not that person anymore. Hell I even stopped drinking."
"I'm sure you're not. People to change. And from what I can see you also have a guy out there who cares tremendously about you. I'm sure that matters enough to you."
"It does. He's the first one I've let in. It's been a struggle for me to do so."
"Let's talk more about that. What caused you to seek therapy in the first place? Who ruined trust for you?"
I looked at the clock and to my surprise its already been an hour. "Isn't time up?"
"Usually, yes. But I set aside some more time for you. Nathan seemed to think you may need it."
"Of course." I said more to myself.
"So let's go back to the beginning to what caused all of this."
I clamped up. I was done talking. It may not have been the smartest move but I was done with everyone controlling every aspect of my life.
"Or maybe we can take a break."
"Now that sounds good to me."
"What would you prefer? To come back in fifteen minutes after a breather or make an appointment for another day?"
"Another day. Nathan and I have some talking to do of our own."
"Whatever you're more comfortable with. Also if you feel its needed you can bring Nathan into one of our sessions and talk it out with a neutral party present to mediate."
"Thanks, I'll think about it."
I walked out into the waiting area where Nathan stood up as soon as he saw me walk out. "Done?" He questioned with what looked like confusion.
"Yes." I seethed. "Let's go."
He looked over at Eric who stood in the doorway watching our exchange then back at me. Without saying a word he followed me out.
We went down to the car in silence. We both got into the town car and he nodded for Tony to drive off. By this time I was boiling.
"Baby?"
I looked at him with a cold stare. "Don't baby me."
"Talk to me. What's going on?"
"I really don't want to right now. And believe me you don't want me to either."
He turned in his seat to look at me better. "I'm going to let this cold shoulder you're giving me go, for now. But when we get back to my place we're going to talk this out."
"I want to go home."
I could see his jaw tick. He was losing his patience just as much as I was losing mine. We are a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode. But at least if we go to my place I don't have to take off and have him follow instead I can throw him out. "Fine, but we're still talking."
"We are, I have something I want to discuss but I need to calm down first."
We rode the rest of the way in silence. When we made it to my place I took off. I didn't wait for Tony to open my door or for Nathan to catch up. He went to the elevator and I headed for the stairs. He looked at me confused. I needed more time to clear my head and the elevator was too fast. He followed suit. After the first couple of flights he grew impatient.
"Enough of this." He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder."
"What the hell are you doing?"
"You are purposely prolonging this. No more games, baby. I can get us there faster." He walked through the door to the lobby of the third floor and headed to the elevator to take the rest of the way up.
I pounded my fists on his back. "Let me down."
"No way."
"Why not? I can walk."
"Yeah, away from me. You can hit me and punch me all you want baby. Whatever helps alleviate whatever this anger is you have inside you."
The elevator stopped on my floor and he headed to my apartment still carrying me. "You can let me down now."
"When I'm good and ready."
He walked inside with me thrown over his shoulder. "What the fuck is going on?" Nick asked when he saw us.
"Apparent;y I did something to piss her off again and she was being over dramatic and unreasonable. So I took control of the situation."
"You take control over everything, asshole."
"Ah, finally, she speaks and we're getting somewhere."
"Fuck you." I yell.
"Not yet. But maybe after we talk. That's if you behave." He said then smacked my ass hard.
"Ouch. That was uncalled for."
"No, it was completely called for." He replied.
I can hear Nick laughing at me. "This is golden."
Nathan finally put me down. "Shut up Nick because I'll smack you."
"Enough. Kris go take a shower and cool off. Then we'll sit down and talk. I'll be waiting out here for you."
I stormed off to the bathroom. As much as I didn't want to because he said to it sounded like a good idea.

I got out of the shower and just threw my hair up. I didn't feel like fussing with the drier. I threw my sweats on since I had no plans of going anywhere the rest of the day. I walked out into the hallway and heard Nathan and Nick talking.
"I think you're good for her." I heard Nick say.
"You think so?"
"Yeah, you're the first person she's let in. Granted she still has some walls up but you're getting there. No one else has been able to get this far."
"I feel like just when it seems we're making progress and I'm getting closer she finds a way to pull away. I may be pushing her away."
"Why would you say that?"
"I know you see the same thing I see. She needs to let someone take control. She doesn't want to see it or admit it but she does. I can see the relief in her face when she lets me. She's just too damn stubborn."
"Kristina lets her past get in the way of her future. That's what has total control of her. So when I see you steam rolling in and just taking it I know you're the right guy for her. I'll tell you this. She is so utterly convinced that she doesn't deserve to be happy that anytime you start to get too close she will push you away."
"I've noticed. I see what little she thinks of herself. Part of me is afraid to keep going in the same direction because she'll just close off altogether."
"And she will. Like I said she will push you away. Please don't let her. Please promise me you won't ever give up on her."
"I have no intentions on giving up on her. I love her."
"I can see that. I think she feels that way deep down inside but she's just afraid to admit it to herself let alone you."
I chose then to walk out into the living room. "Baby girl, hey."
"Hey, baby."
"Hey, Nathan can we talk? Nick if you want to stick around and wait for us feel free."
"Yeah, I'll stick around."
Nathan got up from the couch and came to me. "Everything alright?"
"Yeah, let's go into my room and talk."
"Sure." He followed me then closed the door and we sat on the bed. "Talk to me baby, what's going on?"
I explained to him how I felt about him trying to control my therapy session with Eric.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. That was not my intent. He is a close friend and I asked him if he could set aside some time for you. I didn't mean for it to come off like that. Maybe it sounded more urgent when I had asked him and so he took it that's what you needed."
"Oh, well I guess that makes sense."
"Next time just talk to me. I could have explained this earlier and we could have avoided all of this."
"You're right. I'm sorry. I let my emotions get the best of me today. I will work on controlling them better."
"And I will put more consideration into how may feel before making a decision. I'll admit I should have told you before you went to see him."
"Yeah, that would have helped."
"We're learning as we go. This is new territory for both of us. But your first instinct every time I cross some arbitrary line you have drawn is to get angry with me and shut me out."
"You're right and I'm going to work on that."
"Feel better?"
"Yeah." He wrapped me in his arms and just held me.
Just then my phone went off. I didn't recognize the number though.
"Who is it?" Nathan asked.
"No idea. The number doesn't look familiar and it's not in my contacts."
"You want to answer it?"
"No, if it's important they'll leave a message. I just want to be here with you."
He kissed me and got up. "Let's go eat. I'm sure you're hungry by now."
"I could eat and I know so can Nick."
"Okay." He stopped and looked me. "You coming."
"Yeah, I'll be right out."
"Okay, I'll meet you out there."
I gave him a smile then he walked out. I looked at my phone to see if there was a voicemail.
There was and my finger lingered on the button to play it.