Deal With The Pain | Namgi

Chapter 26

Yoongi POV

"How're classes going, Joon?" I ask lightly a few days later as we're cleaning up, once again just the two of us cleaning the shop up. I glance over in his direction, watching his curious gaze meet mine for a moment before returning to paying attention to his actions. I smile at the sight though, appreciative of all his efforts this last week and a half. Appreciative of just having his presence back, having someone who seems to know me well enough to recognize my boundaries that I don't have to vocalize.

"They're going okay. I have midterms this week and I think they've gone alright so far. I'm finally starting to pull my grades back up so that I'm doing more than just skating by. I've got one left to take this week and then I'm in the clear until finals week." Joon answers, though I can hear in his voice that he's disappointed in himself for how he's doing in them. I frown lightly at this, feeling horrible that he's been working with me as much as he has when he should've been spending his time studying and preparing for his classes.

"Joon, you know you can tell me when you've got exams coming up, right? You shouldn't be working so much the week of or the week prior to exams, that way you can have the time you need to prepare for them properly." I inform him, wishing I'd have known so that I could've given him less hours. He smiles over at me though, shaking his head in disagreement.

"First of all, that would've defeated the purpose of me volunteering to help you be properly staffed, hyung. Secondly, my exams have gone fine. It's my fault that my grades aren't better. I shouldn't have been fucking around all this time like I have been." Joon argues in a gentle tone, causing me to purse my lips. I still feel bad he's not had more time to put towards his classes when he's had exams coming up.

"I don't care what hours you're covering, Joon. Tell me next time you've got exams coming up so that I can give you less hours, that way you have enough time to prep for them. It's not going to change your pay and it's not like you'll face any repercussions for trying to take care of your grades, Joon. I'd rather see you excelling in your classes than spending time you shouldn't be here." I huff, displeased that he didn't tell me. I hear him chuckle though, causing me to look back up at him, small smile forming on my face at his content expression.

"I'll tell you next time, hyung. I promise." Joon murmurs softly, amusement still splayed across his face.

"You'd better." I mumble quietly, smile still on my face as well as I get back to cleaning. Though, a thought comes to mind, and I find myself pausing in cleaning all over again.

"Joon, what ever happened to you?" I whisper with a small sigh, leaning against the mop for support as I look back over at him. I catch his gaze flicker in my direction as well, though it doesn't hold as he continues cleaning the counters. He stays silent for a moment, but I don't bother pushing it, knowing that it's not exactly an easy question to answer.

"The summer before I started here, I found out my parents were getting divorced. My mom left to go elsewhere, and my dad fell apart. He pretty much gave up on living altogether. He and I got into it a lot until I left to come here, so I kinda started out on a sour note to begin with. I don't know. I also realized how I felt about you my first year here, and between that and how things were at home, I guess I kinda started giving up too." Joon breathes out, not looking at me once. I hum softly in thought at all of this, nodding as I return to cleaning again.

"Why did realizing you had feelings for me contribute to you giving up?" I find myself asking, not being able to help myself. I don't bother looking over at him this time, nerves building up within me over the topic. I wouldn't say I'm fully ready for us to face that conversation yet, to discuss that particular matter of our feelings, but I would like to know why that seemed to have messed him up so badly, recalling how he'd said it was part of why he began treating me like shit.

"Couple of reasons. I didn't think you'd ever actually feel the same, never really thought I'd ever have a chance in hell with you. I also began wondering how much I'd missed out on in the year that you were here while I was finishing up high school, considering I never recalled you saying anything about wanting to have a shop like this." Joon answers with a small sigh. I frown at all of that, shaking my head to myself, knowing that that's partially my fault.

"You never missed out on anything, Joon. It's my fault that you didn't know about the shop. It's my fault that you didn't know a lot of things, that you don't know a lot of things." I mutter, feeling somewhat bad that I ultimately contributed to both of our downfalls. It's enough to have him pausing though, dropping the rag as he turns around fully to look over at me in confusion. I take a deep breath at the attention, knowing it's only fair to tell him.

"I've been keeping things from you for a long time, Joon. That's my fault. I don't imagine you missed the absence of my mom and sister when my family stopped by the other day. We lost them both when you and I were still in grade school. We lost Yeji while I was in elementary school, and my mom while I was in middle school. Yeji developed a heart disease, held out for a little over a year after we'd found out. We-uh, she really wanted to have her own bakery with all of the sweetest delights. We spent that last year drawing up a bunch of plans, and hyung helped me turn it into a reality when I got here my first year.

"I never had the heart to tell you. The day she passed, I walked in just in time to see her flatline. It took... a very long time for me to come to terms with it, and even longer to ever be able to speak about it. Just talking with hyung about it would have me breaking down. Then just a few years my mom got diagnosed with brain cancer. She... we were told she had a little over a year at max, and then she passed away three and a half months later. I know you and I had talked a lot back then about going into the music industry together. After losing the both of them though... I couldn't do it.

"After we lost mom, I decided that I wasn't going back on the promise I'd made Yeji that we'd open up a bakery, and I decided that I was going to go through med school all the way so that I wouldn't be fucking blindsided again, so that I'd at least be able to understand what's happening, I might be able to help if something were to happen or go wrong. And after we lost mom... I lost dad in a sense too. He fell apart in so many ways, hyung had to protect me from him. Since the night I graduated high school, the day he showed up with hyung while it was just you and me, that'd been only the second time since then that I'd gotten to see him.

"I wanted to tell you, Joon, fuck, I wanted to tell you so bad. I could barely bring myself to think about back then though, there was no way I could speak about it. And I couldn't tell you about me changing career plans without telling you what happened, so I never said anything. I never meant for you to have to find out that I was doing different things than what we'd talked about the way you did, and I never meant to cause you so much self doubt in doing so, Joon. I'm sorry I hurt you that way."

There's tears streaming down my face as I look up at him, hating the pain that's flooding my body at having to talk about this. Hating that I contributed to losing my own best friend, hating that I added to the pain he'd already been feeling.

I hardly realize it when he's crossed the entire shop in stride, soon being wrapped up in a tight but gentle hug. I can feel myself breaking down all over again as I wrap my arms around him though, having missed this so much. Having missed being able to be close to him, missed being able to support each other like we did back in grade school, missed having someone who understood me in ways nobody else seems to anymore.